The EDGE Blog

Field Guide: Living Your Best Sex Life


Are you having the best sex of your life? Spoiler: the answer’s probably No. In this article, our resident blogger Jam shows you exactly how to vanquish any blockages and start having your best sex life today.


Your Best Sex Life

You are probably capable of experiencing greater pleasure than you’ve ever imagined. Whatever sexual fulfillment means to you – physically, emotionally, or mentally – it IS attainable, and you can take steps toward having it today.

The more that you explore and celebrate your personal sexual fulfillment, the happier you’ll be in your relationship with your partner, yourself, and quite possibly the world at large.

First thing’s first: we’ve got to identify whether it’s the body, heart, or brain that’s standing between you and the sheet-drenching, soul-cleansing, call-for-reinforcements sex life of your dreams.

Figuring out Le Meat Saque

If you want to discover your body’s full potential for pleasure you need to invest time in exploration. Some folks just haven’t masturbated that much. Often this is due to gender conditioning or being raised in a sex-shaming family.

It’s also common that somebody finds one reliable method of getting off, and simply doesn’t bother to deviate from it.

If any of these descriptions sound like you, the remedy is Exploration.

Where to begin?

  • Make time. Nothing will sabotage you faster than being too busy or ignoring your desires.
  • Be curious. If your goal is to get off as hard as possible, that’s fine. But you’ll probably have better results if you are hyper present with the path that you take to get there.
  • Learn how to relax. This can include breathing slow, lowering the lights, or taking a shower. Developing the ability to gauge your stress level is a crucial precursor to being present with le meat saque.
  • Now, drink up that inspiration. Experiment with new toys and different viscosities of lube. Try incorporating soft fabrics like satin or microfiber. And of course, treat yourself to the wonderful world of feminist porn.

For those whose challenge comes from erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, or penetration aversion,  PULSE DUO is a must-have couples’ toy. If you’re curious to learn more about this bad boy, here’s a roundup of real couples’ reviews.

For folks with disabilities, Cripping Up Sex with Eva is a gold mine! Not only does Eva write articles and review toys, but she also teaches online sex classes.

When it comes to medical conditions, BDSM offers some unexpected solutions.

Chronic Sex has an entire section of their blog dedicated to the topic of disability and BDSM! GQ also published a fantastic article on BDSM as it relates to chronic pain.

And for those keen on autism, polyamory, and kink, Atypically Yours is an up and coming blog that you’ll want to keep on your radar.

Sometimes your heart wants stuff

And you might not even know it! As with anything else, you’ll need to spend some time in self-reflection to be able to clearly articulate what’s missing.

Have you ever had sex with somebody who was earth-shatteringly present with you? It may have felt like they were breathing with you, and that your heartbeats synced up. You may have been aware of them paying attention to your every quiver, moan, and grind as they sought to give you pleasure. They may have been vigilantly fine-tuning their roughness or their softness, reading your body for cues of trust and desire.

These occasions don’t have to be few and far between! Your best sex life can and should have this level of electric connection on a regular basis.

How can we tap into this kind of intensity amidst the hubbub of day to day life?
  • Laying in your partner’s lap while they stroke your hair
  • Indulging in deeper, longer kissing during sex
  • Wearing a blindfold while experimenting with different sensations on the skin
  • Strengthening your habit of paying deep attention to your partner’s cues during times of physical intimacy. Are they tensing, relaxing, breathing quickly, pulling you in, or becoming quiet? If you’re unsure of what a response means, ask, “Do you like this?”

What if my partner’s on autopilot?

Use “I” statements and be exceedingly clear.

Hot Octopuss Digit Finger Vibrator Sex ToyHere’s an example of NOT an “I” statement: “You’re totally checked out during sex. It seems like you’re just replaying some porno in your mind. You don’t seem to care whether or not I get off, and I’m left totally unsatisfied.”

And here’s an example of a “I have no idea what they just said” statement: “I just wish you’d be more present in your heart field and read my energy. Sometimes I need you to hold space for me to be soft. I’d like you to create a container for me to feel vulnerable.”

Recap: the first sentence was blaming, and a bit mean. And while I applaud the second sentence for being a deep, vulnerable share, it probably made little sense to the person receiving it.

Spit it out already!

Here’s an example of an “I” statement that addresses the speaker’s needs with clear actions for their partner: “When we’re having sex I feel empty like we’re on different planets. I need more emotional connection. Would you be willing to try more long, slow kisses and eye contact during sex?”

Finally, watch some movies together! Well, not just any kind of movie. If you’re looking to crack the code of emotional intimacy and AFAB orgasms, then you must check out OMG Yes. Those looking for toy reviews and sex advice will fall in love with Shakira Scott’s YouTube channel. Her hilarious video on reducing the orgasm gap is a must-watch for everyone looking to live their best heaux life.

Brains like fucking too

This is the least addressed component in the quest for one’s best sex life. I’ll illustrate this with an example from my own sex life, heavily edited for questionable BDSM practices.

He was kissing me, but not as rough as I wanted. He always sat back when I paused and would look me in the eyes. It was like he was drinking my breath in.

I cupped my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him closer to my face. Then quick as a whip, I spat in his mouth. He pulled away and slapped me hard in the face, causing me to squeal and laugh.

After a look of genuine shock, he smiled and shook his finger at me. Then he stood up and walked out of the room.

My mind tingled at the faux punishment. I couldn’t help but smile as I imagined what he was up to. The sound of the bathtub running gave me a clue. 

When he returned, he looked in my eyes for a long time, tsk tsk-ing with a grin. I smiled harder and harder into his gaze, both of us knowing that I was holding back on all manners of brattiness. 

He took my hand and led me through a dark hallway into the bathroom. A red light bulb added a haunted house vibe to the candles lit on the edge of the tub. Ambient darkwave music swirled with the vapor rising off the water.

The back of my knees buckled with a nudge from his foot, and my companion lowered me to a kneeling position.

(Begin edit for questionable BDSM practices which we shall here refer to as deep throating with fear and water play.)

Once in the bathtub, we indulged in cuddles and massage until he treated my brain to the happiest surprise of all: pomegranate and absinthe. We cut open the pomegranate together with much laughter and animal sounds as the explosive seeds and red juices bled into the bathwater. 

Each with a mouthful of pomegranate and a snifter of absinthe, we linked elbows and downed the libation. What happened after that, I’m taking with me to the grave.

I suppose sex can’t be like this every day. But if once a season, or even once a full moon, there was an extra element of surprise and indulgence, I think that would make a lot of brains happy.

Sometimes a person doesn’t feel motivated to have sex with their partner, but it’s not because they’re not attracted to them.

In the case of the disinterested mind, it’s because they’ve become habituated to the sex routine that’s been established in their relationship (missionary -> doggy style -> cum in mouth, anyone?)

bdsm spreader bar and ankle cuffs

The BDSM Hub has a plethora of articles and kink gear to get your wheels turning.

If you think your brain might need a little more stimulation to get back in the game, bring it up with your partner. This process can be fun! Start by brainstorming elements that you’re curious to try during sex. Music, lighting, food, toys, lingerie, and kink are good food for thought.

Then make time! Happy brain sex takes more planning than lazy Netflix cuddle fucks.

Finally, keep it as simple as possible.

Something as little as fucking in the afternoon instead of before bed could do the trick. How about teasing your partner with hand sex in the car (but not letting them finish, of course.) Or, a personal favorite: get all up in their business while making dinner. Run the blunt edge of a knife along their breasts, or take the spatula from their hand and give them some spankings. Bonus points if you wear an apron with nothing underneath.

Coming up short on ideas? Curl up together and enjoy the vast video library of BDSM demonstrations at XR University. You’ll find something that piques your interest, guaranteed.

Start having your best sex life today

There you have it. I basically just told you to jack off more, watch sex videos, and buy toys. But it sounds much better when expressed like so:

First, reflect on yourself. Then, reflect with your partner. Agree that you won’t shame or tease for any thoughts that come up.

While some parts of this inquiry can be difficult or uncomfortable, you’re likely to enjoy it more than not.

Watch toy reviews together. Discuss blog articles. Try mutual masturbation with some new toys. And most importantly, show appreciation to your partner for exercising trust and engaging in the process. It’ll pay off, I promise.

 

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