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My Wife Prefers Her Vibrator



My wife and I are 60, married for 36 years. We used to have a somewhat active sex life. But in the past few years, my wife’s desire for me has diminished. Her desire for solo sex, however, has skyrocketed. This drives me crazy because I am, and always have been, sexually active with her until now.

She tells me that she no longer has any interest in sex, but her obsession with masturbation is ever increasing. When I try to talk to her about this, she always repeats, “You think about sex way too much!”. Any thoughts on how to get her to like me instead of the vibrator?

Joan answers:

You say, “she no longer has any interest in sex”, but sex with a vibrator is sex: real sex. You don’t say what your ‘active sex life’ consisted of in the past, but if it was solely or mainly intercourse, that might not be enough to bring her to orgasm now.

It’s common that as we age, we need more stimulation to get aroused and reach orgasm. Instead of seeing your wife’s vibrator as competition, try to welcome it as the orgasm tool she needs. Open the conversation with something like: “Are there ways that you and I could pleasure you together using your vibrator?”. For example, she might be willing to have you hold her as she masturbates, and then pleasure you afterwards or at another time. Or she might ask you to participate in her arousal through caresses or kissing before or during her vibrator use.

I don’t know your wife’s point of view, so I’m just giving you an educated guess that if you ask to participate in pleasuring her and include the vibrator (a threesome!), she might be open. If not, consider a sex therapist or sex-positive counselor to help you unpack what’s hampering the intimacy between you.

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