To celebrate National Sex Toy Day happening on 4th November, we asked our esteemed comedian guest writer Andrea to share some top tips on how to make your sex toys work for you… with some hilarious results.
Every human on the age spectrum - from the tiniest tot to the spryest octogenarian - loves a brand new toy. First there’s the unboxing, then the wonderment of its shiny newness, and then finally, the playing. And for adults with sex toys, this last stage involves seeing not only how it’s meant to work, but also working out all the ways in which it can be adapted or hacked or modified to make it work even harder for its proud owner - you.
So, whether you’re an expert who bought a brand new dildo to be the jewel of your dildo cabinet, or the proud but nervous owner of a toy you’ve never used before, here are some universal tips to help you make the most of what you’ve got.
This one is mostly for sex toys made from temperature responsive material, but a gentle heating up or cooling of a bullet or vibe can be an incredibly sexy new sensation. If your toys are made from borosilicate glass or stainless steel, you can submerge them in either hot water, or put them in the fridge - though this isn’t recommended if you have housemates! You can also run shower safe toys under the hot or cold water for a similar sensation. And though it should go without saying, we’ll say it anyway - ovens and microwaves are a no-no.
We don’t need to give you the hard sell on using lube. If you’re reading, chances are you already know that a good lube can work wonders when you’re using either solo sex toys or couples toys with a partner. But have you ever tried using an enhanced lubricant with your toys - one that’s designed specifically to compliment the sensations your body produces during sex? For example, lube with blood-flow enhancing ingredients like damiana extract (an ancient aphrodisiac herb), arginine (an amino acid), or peppermint oil (don’t worry, you won’t regret it like you did that time you used mint shower gel on your bits and nearly burned them off!) will increase blood flow to the clitoris, and feels like a million tiny electric jolts all over your body - an orgasm plus, if you like. There are also new CBD lubes that claim to enhance sensation through vasodilation - widening the veins to increase blood flow. These are especially good for those with vaginas who can find toys a little uncomfortable; not only does CBD increase blood flow, it also relaxes the muscles and decreases pain, so it’s great if you’re kinky - but also a little anxious!
There are no rules with sex toys (apart from the consent rule, obviously. Plus, the classic “If it isn’t meant to be used in the shower, don’t use it in the shower!” rule) so don’t be afraid to take that dildo and turn it around! If it’s got a clit stimulator attached (and you’re a clitoris owner), swivel it 180 degrees when it’s inside you and you’’’ easily be able to stimulate the sensitive area just above the anus.
Experiment with all your toys. If it can be turned around, or used at a different angle, give it a try - you may discover new heights of delight, or areas you’d never realised were erogenous for you. And on that note, don’t just stick to the traditional erogenous zones either. You’d be surprised how good a vibrator (such as the KURVE) feels on the neck, armpits, inner thigh, and feet (personally tried, tested and loved it).
We like toys that are made to last. And yes, that does make us sound like a 19th century grandpa reminiscing about his old wooden rocking horse, but the point stands. When you buy a good quality toy, chances are you want it to last as long as it can. Which means a) buying something good quality (we suggest literally anything by Hot Octopuss) and b) cleaning it regularly.
It may sound like a no brainer but you’d be surprised how many people don’t take care of their toy hygiene. Not only is using a less-than-gleaming toy pretty unpleasant, it leaves you at risk of health issues like urinary tract infections if the bacteria left on it reaches your urethra. Plus, did we mention using a dirty toy is unpleasant for all involved? Because it bears repeating!
The correct cleaning method depends on what material your toy is made from - some cleaning products can deteriorate some materials. If it’s battery operated, there are probably different instructions to that of a plug-in toy, so make sure you always check the box or manufacturer for instructions.
So there you have it – Happy National Sex Toy Day. Now grab a sex toy or two (or the credit card and order one now, or as many as you fancy, enjoy the joys of sex toys and make yourself and/or partner orgasm in between watching scary movies and stuffing your face with turkey!