Let’s talk about doing butt stuff. Kink is in the eye of the beholder, and this is no exception. Whereas anal play is typically considered vanilla for queer folks, it can land pretty high on the kink scale for heterosexual old timers. Most importantly, the way in which someone is introduced to anal play has a dramatic impact on how they receive it.
Anal is never a good surprise
If you as a couple want to explore anal, this needs to be negotiated in advance. Crystal clear agreements and boundaries need to be set before you begin.
Butt plugs are perhaps the friendliest way to start. With no movement or stimulation inherent to their use, they give the bottom an opportunity to familiarize themself with the sensation of weight and fullness inside their posterior. Besides coming in cute styles, they are made from various materials and weights.
Little preparation is needed if one is using a small plug. Lube is necessary; light manual stimulation can help. It’s recommended to have evacuated the bowels recently beforehand. Butt plugs shine with “set it and forget it” magic. Once inserted, the bottom can go on to engage with oral sex, vaginal penetration, or even grocery shopping! The possibilities are endless.
The next step (if your goal is to have full on butt sex) is manual stimulation. A gentle massage can be given around the surface of the anus during oral sex, or while spooning your partner and nibbling on their neck. In the case of spooning, your partner may enjoy stimulating themselves in the front while you take care of the back.
If the bottom feels relaxed and enthusiastic about these sensations, you may want to gradually work your finger inside of them. Lube is necessary and disposable gloves are a big plus. Again, keep lots of other sensations going on. Massage, kisses, nipple sucking, and anything else you can think of can be useful in reducing your partner’s apprehension about their bum being touched.
Be gentle here. The point is not to thrust; the point is to give a sensual massage on just the inside of their back door. Simultaneously stroking the outside of the anus with your thumb is likely to have a positive effect.
Another good entry point for doing butt stuff is rimming. As long as the bottom bathes beforehand with a natural soap (I recommend castile) the risks associated with rimming will be very low. Keep your tongue soft as you lick the outer and inner folds of their anus. If your partner has a vagina you must be sure to not go between rimming and cunnilingus.
Once you’ve started rimming you are committed until you take a mouthwash break. As you can imagine, this is to prevent cross contaminating your partner with fecal coliform, which can happen whether or not there’s a vagina in the picture.
Now let’s talk about dicks
Or fists for that matter!
1. You need lube. Water based lube is perfect for anal sex. Folks who discover a love for longer sessions or fisting will want to explore J Lube (just add water) and Boy Butter (imagine vegetable shortening for the butt.)
2. Clean out. Use an enema bag or anal douche to rinse the colon. Check with a lubed dildo. Newer bottoms will find pushing down lightly (as if they’re attempting to pass a bowel movement) to actually open the rectum, allowing the dildo to enter more easily. If the dildo comes out clean, you’re ready to rock and roll. If not, repeat the douche process until an immaculate dildo check is achieved.
3. Warm up the bottom with plenty of foreplay, manual stimulation, and rimming. Do not put a phallus inside them until their anus is relaxed and practically beckoning you inside. If fisting is on the table, do not venture here until the phallus has been well received.
Using lube and warming up is about more than comfort. It’s about safety. The tissues in the anus can be torn with this kind of activity. Stimulation increases blood flow which in turn enhances elasticity. More elasticity = less tearing.
It’s common after anal play to find traces of blood, typically when paying your post coital visit to the toilet. A small amount generally is nothing to worry about. Larger amounts of blood of course indicate the need to take a break from this type of play, until after a visit with your healthcare provider.
Intense sensations are to be expected with anal penetration. Expect anything from orgasms to “am I pooping my pants?” to a sore and somewhat confused bottom afterward. Doc Johnson is just one brand that makes recovery balm to assist with comfort and expedient healing of well loved anal tissue. A warm compress or ice pack can also be soothing.
As you may have guessed, shame must be banished from your sexy, sexy realm before venturing into anal play. Messes happen. Shame in this context can last for life. Approach anal play with curiosity and humor, and your explorations are bound to be fruitful.