How To Find A Unicorn – Navigating Threesomes Ethically

18 September 2021

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If you’ve arrived at this article, there’s a high chance you came here by searching ‘how to find a Unicorn’ so let’s tackle that term before we get to the detail. You want to find a Unicorn? The first thing you need to know is that many people who would fall under this definition do not like that term at all.

‘Unicorn’ in the sex/kink scene refers to a bi/pansexual woman who is up for mixed-gender threesomes and is usually in high demand from straight couples who are looking for a third with whom they can play.

“Many bisexual women are very tired indeed of being reduced to a mere object used by straight couples to spice up their sex lives.”

Naturally, there are many people who would think it’s pretty cool to be a Unicorn – you’re in high demand! Loads of people want to have threesomes with you! Hooray! But saying this to a bi/pan woman on a dating site is a bit like when straight men tell straight women they’re ‘lucky’ to be inundated with messages: sure thing, pal, do you want to actually see the messages?

“You want to shag me, but you also believe I am a mythical being?”

While there are definitely some women who love being a ‘Unicorn’, for many being a ‘Unicorn’ can be intensely frustrating, and many bisexual women are very tired indeed of being reduced to a mere object used by straight couples to spice up their sex lives. The very word itself is dehumanizing, as well as oddly offensive: you want to shag me, but you also believe I am a mythical being? You don’t actually believe I want what I want?

So it’s important to tackle this first. We use the word ‘Unicorn’ here for search purposes, but as ever at Hot Octopuss we’d much rather unpack tropes and educate people on the problems that sit beneath them than fall into line and unthinkingly use terms that have – to put it mildly – a controversial history.

Why do you want to find a Unicorn?

Are you trying to find a Unicorn because you and your partner want a bit of fun, but you haven’t yet considered the challenge of communicating, respecting, and meeting that person’s needs? Hopefully, this article will give you some key things to consider before you ever set up that dating site profile or send a message to your potential match.

Are you looking for a Unicorn because you’re keen to play with someone who might be interested in both of you, and you’re ready and willing to put in the emotional work to ensure that they’re happy and enjoying the experience at least as much as the two of you? Great! We’re off to a good start.

Either way, the most important thing to remember when you’re trying to ‘find a Unicorn’ is that you’re not actually hunting down a mythical creature, you’re engaging with a real-life human being.

And that person is an individual with needs and desires that are important – they do not play second fiddle to yours.

How to find a Unicorn

One of the best ways to find anyone to play with is to begin on a dating site. The first benefit of a site, as opposed to real-world interaction, is that you can state exactly what you’re looking for. You can explain that you’re in a relationship and you’re searching for play partners as a couple, so no one gets the wrong end of the stick.

Many non-monogamous couples choose to set up individual dating profiles on sites like OKCupid, stating up-front that they’re open to playing together. Others might use more kink-focused sites like Fetlife, where you can join in broader forum discussions with people and get to know individuals a little better before approaching to see if they’d like to play.

“Dating sites are a far lower Covid risk than meeting people out in the virus-splattered world.”

Sites like Feeld allow you to pair your account with your partners, linking them together so people can easily navigate between the two. I confess I have absolutely no idea how people use Tinder.

The second benefit of a dating site should be obvious to all of us who have struggled through the last year of pandemic horror: dating sites are a far lower Covid risk than meeting people out in the virus-splattered world. Although in the Before Times I’d have recommended things like Munches as a great way to meet new people, now we’re hunkering down for winter I think it’s far preferable to chat over message to begin with, before sharing a drink or two over video chat to find out if you get on.

One of the least sexy things is someone who wants to put you in danger, so offering Covid-safe dating options should demonstrate to your potential date that you care about their safety.

Moving from chat to meet-up

I mentioned the ‘C’ word, so you’re already aware that the risks of meeting and shagging are much higher these days than they used to be. The good news is that at the time of writing you’re still not breaking the key ‘rule of 6’ by having a threesome with someone you get on with.

The other important ‘c’ word: communication.

Let’s face facts: there’s a power imbalance going on when you date as a couple. The two of you know each others’ needs and desires pretty well already, and you’ve likely already discussed the kinds of things you’d like to happen (as well as your boundaries). If you haven’t done this, then please leave this article immediately, have those conversations, and come back when you feel confident you’ve done your homework.

There is nothing more embarrassing (and rude) than a threesome which ends in tears because a couple didn’t talk to each other about the things they wanted.

Trust me, I’ve done it, and I still cringe about it to this day.

Given you both know each other quite well, your third is at a bit of a disadvantage. So when you’re chatting about what you’d like to do, that means the two of you need to put in disproportionately more work to make sure the other person is comfortable. Ask lots of questions, listen carefully to the answers, don’t be afraid to ask more questions if you want to get more of a feel for what they’re after.

This person is not just there to ‘spice up’ your sex life, they are joining you for mutual fun, so you need to make sure it is fun for them as well. To paraphrase Kennedy: ask not what your Unicorn can do for you, but what you can do for your Unicorn.

And I stress, again, please don’t actually use the word ‘Unicorn’.

I’m using it here to please the Google Gods, but it feels very icky in my mouth.

If I could give you one piece of advice that should stand you in good stead for arranging a threesome – or regular three-way play – the honest truth is that the same rules apply as with any other dating and sex. You have to communicate (which means listening at least as much as – if not more than – you speak), finding things you have in common with your potential play partner, and treating them like a unique, interesting, fun individual.

Not a sex toy or an object, but a friend.

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