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Who Do I Believe: My Husband or His Penis?



My husband says he still desires me sexually, but his penis says otherwise. It takes a lot of oral sex to get him aroused, and even then, his erection doesn’t last long enough for sex. It doesn’t seem worth the trouble to try to get him worked up enough for something to happen, so I usually pretend that I don’t notice his hints that he’s in the mood. We’re in our 60s and used to have a great sex life, but that tapered off with his lack of erections. He’ll give me orgasms manually or orally, or watch when I use my vibrator, but it doesn’t seem fair when I can’t return the favor.

Joan answers:

You can return the favor! Penises are capable of great sensation and orgasm even when erections don’t happen. Lack of erection does not mean your husband doesn’t desire you or feel sexual pleasure.

You say his erection ‘doesn’t last long enough for sex’ – but oral sex is sex. Giving you orgasms via hand or mouth or watching you use your vibrator – these are all part of the sexual expression you share, and they count as real sex.

You say your husband’s erection comes and goes. Have you tried the vibrating cock rings ATOM or ATOM PLUS to help him keep an erection? This works for many men to keep blood flow in the penis, and the vibrations are extremely enjoyable.

Your husband wants to please you, whether or not he’s erect. Accept that gift from him, and reciprocate by pleasuring him in all the ways he enjoys. Expand your definition of sex to include all the ways you stimulate and satisfy each other, not just penetrative sex. You’ll realize that you can give each other great delights. (For more on the possibilities and pleasures of non-penetrative sex, view my webinar, ‘Great Sex Without Penetration’.)

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