Sex After Lockdown

14 September 2021

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So… can we fck yet? Guest author Scotty Unfamous has a field guide for heuxs who are re-entering the wild world of casual-ish sex. In this article we’ll dive into risk assessment, best practices, and what to do if you’ve forgotten how to sex. Go on, get that nut.*

Picture this

The sun is setting on a warm summer night in July and you’re on a socially distanced date with that person you’ve been talking to for months on end from that dating app. You know, the one you keep installing, deleting, and installing again. Or maybe you’re about to see your luvah that you’d been forced into a long-distance relationship with thanks to the pandam.

You’re wearing the impulsive online purchase that you convinced yourself that you were going to need once the streets were unlocked again. You look fantastic, BTW.

After copious amounts of your favourite drink and laughter that makes your cheeks ache, you give each other…

pause for dramatic effect

The Look

It’s been months of heightened (then non-existent) libido, indulging in more solo sex than you knew you were capable of, dreaming of the day another human would touch you. And now that day is here…but is it safe?

I know, I gave you this dreamy build-up then dropped you back into the shitty reality of the thing-that-shall-not-be-named.

But it gets a bit better from here, so stick with me

It would be nonsensical to assume that going into a post-lockdown phase of the pandemic, life will revert back to normal. You can’t shag your way around town with no regard for anything or anyone. No, not even though you have over a years’ worth of partnered orgasms locked up inside of you ready to share with the world. But…

…there is a way that you can enjoy your sex life again if you take the right precautions.

When I heard that masked sex was provided as an option I thought, “Who the fuck is gonna do that shit?” It’s irritating enough walking around in masks, so why would anyone want to struggle to breathe when they’re trying to f*ck? But then I had a thought: role play! “Oh, Dr Smith, I’m afraid I have a terrible ache between my legs, could you examine it for me?”

Other options are to use positions where you face away from each other, like doggy style and reverse cowgirl. Neither are particularly terrible (they’re great) and if you want to jazz them up, do them in different locations. Your kitchen table/working from home office space has never looked so inviting!

If you need a bit more than that, like kissing and cuddling and staring deeply into their eyes, be safe. Nine out of ten pharmacies are giving free rapid Covid tests, so make sure that you and your partner pick up a pack. (If you have kids, you can order them through the school too.) Before you meet up, take the test and if all is well, the sex world is your oyster.

Speaking of being safe, before you jump back into the sack, be sure to get yourself checked for STDs. If you have been sexually active you should be doing this every three to six months, even if you’re in a relationship. You can pop into a Brook clinic or order a test online.

As well as getting checked out, practicing safe sex – especially in these times – is always a vibe

Oral sex is a lil’ trickier to navigate. Medical professionals are particularly worried about rimming (when you eat da bootyhole) as fecal matter can spread the virus. I recommend investing in some dental dams. These are thin sheets of latex (you can get flavoured ones too) that you lay over the area you wanna put your mouth all up on. Then, proceed to please.

Can you forget how to sex?

A lot of my audience is worried that they’ve been out of practice for so long, they’ve almost forgotten how to ‘do the sex.’ Many are also worried that they won’t be exciting enough. I am a HUGE advocate for exploration! Sex toys are an easy way to do that without stepping too far outside of your comfort zone. One that I recommend a lot on my weekly Instagram Live Q&A’s is PULSE DUO LUX from Hot Octopuss.

This couples vibrator excels in the realm of flaccid-friendly outercourse (great for foreplay sessions and beyond). It has a wrist-wrap remote control for both you and your partner. The penis owner inserts themself inside of it and the vulva owner climbs on top. Missionary is an option if you’re a pillow princess like myself. Then you grind against each other while trying all the vibration settings. This is also something great to utilise if you aren’t ready to mix with people again just yet. You can use it alone too! For penis owners it’s a stroker and for vulva owners, prop it up on a pillow and use it as a ride-on vibe.

As exciting as it is to be released back into the wilderness…

…it’s okay to take things a little slower than usual. You’ll still meet new partners and live your best heaux life, but at a cautious and responsible pace. Online is still a great option if you’re not about that mass socialising life, but if you are outside and you spot someone you like, go and speak to them. One thing that the pandemic has highlighted for a lot of us is that you must live your best life whilst you have the chance.

Because you never know when Boris will lock you up again.

So, talk to that person, even if it’s a bit scary

Even if there is a chance that they might turn you down. Even if you’ve forgotten how to socialise -just go for it! Worst case scenario, they say no, best case scenario – sex! Okay, that’s not the best-case scenario, connection with another human being is. But sex is pretty high up there in the connection realm.

When it comes to casual sex, try limiting your partners, preferably 1 fuck buddy at a time. That way you’re not putting yours and loads of people’s lives at risk. And for the vulva owners reading this, get your nut! You have been celibate for far too long. So don’t you dare let anyone slut-shame you into being pleasureless! If you just want a hook-up with no strings attached, then go for it. With a good measure of risk awareness and safer sex practices, you can enjoy every moment of freedom while it lasts.

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