What is Anti-Valentine’s Day?
It’s a broad term, owned by none, coined by many. In pre-Covid times bars were having cheap drink dance parties in the name of Anti-V Day. Anarchists in Seattle were throwing Butoh art parties in its honour. And still, others power-smiled for matching sweater photo shoots with their fur babies to commemorate this un-holiday.
Whether you’re single, anti-capitalist, or part of a merrily rebellious couple (or polycule), Anti-Valentine’s Day has its arms wide open to you.
How to Have a Delightful Anti-Valentine’s Day
Plan in advance, so day-of you can awaken from sleeping in the middle of the bed like a starfish and indulge at your leisure.
First of all, Naked Breakfast
Put on your favourite morning music, whether that be coffee shop jazz or Awkwafina. Proceed to cook yourself the most whimsical breakfast you can think of. Give yourself all the bacon, quince jelly, starfruit and poached quail eggs that your heart desires. You may enjoy wearing an apron – and ONLY an apron – during this. Or you might wear nothing at all! Watch out for grease splatters though.
Learn the #1 rule of Relationship Anarchy
Watch this video to learn the number one rule of relationship anarchy: Love is abundant and every relationship is unique. Afterwards, you may want to take a walk in nature or jot down your thoughts on love. The overculture conditions us to believe that monogamous romantic partnership is the highest form of love. It subsequently devalues all other expressions of love, leading us to feel like something’s wrong with us if we’re single. Today we say “fuck that shit!” Today we redefine love on our own terms.
After the nature walk, you may want to think of some creative ways to express endearment to the people in your life. Send silly Snapchat videos to friends and family. Visit an animal shelter and consider adopting a new fur or scale baby. Donate money to LGBTQ or humanitarian aid organizations. These are all valid and potentially awesome ways of loving.
Light some fires in your cocktail laboratory
Finish the day strong with a cocktail – or fresh-squeezed juice – laboratory. Set out before you all the alcohols, liqueurs, mixers, and/or fruits and veggies for your experiment. Fancy glasses and garnishes are a plus. This is a good time to video chat with another single friend, especially if they too have decided to delve into the rabbit hole of libation creation.
Take your time mixing and sipping the most unexpected ingredients. Rosewater and gin. Pomegranate seeds and tequila. Romaine juice with fresh-squeezed turmeric root. Play around with making your own thyme, rosemary, or lavender simple syrup. Have you always wanted to light a cocktail on fire? You can do that. Because it’s motherfukkin’ Anti-Valentine’s Day!
Once your creation is perfected, be sure to name it! Topics for inspiration:
– your ex’s name + adjective + most annoying habit (i.e. “Chad’s Condescending Mic Drop”)
– an affirmation (i.e. “My Pussy Is Exquisite”)
– a commitment to yourself (i.e. “I Will Not Be A Sidepiece”)
– something you’d like to explore (i.e. “Bicurious Julep.”)
Post a picture to Instagram and tag @hotoctopuss. We love seeing the kind of shenanigans our readers get up to.
Get slutty with yourself
Consider putting “sexploration” on your Anti-V Day to-do list. Butt stuff. BDSM for beginners. G-spot stimulation (a personal favorite!) Hands-free orgasms. Even brainstorming and writing your own fantasies can be hugely delightful. Set out a platter of your favourite sex toys (even better if you scatter flower petals on top.) Then, make a game of seeing how close to climaxing you can come with each toy before switching to the next.
Do a sexy selfie photoshoot, I dare you!
You must go all out for this and promise to only say nice things about your body during this time. False eyelashes, lace chokers, retro-style garter belts, banana hammocks, sexy boots – let your inner dominatrix, cowboy, manic pixie, and horny nun run wild! No need to share these pics with anyone, unless you want to! It can be fun to swap sexy selfies with a trusted friend and have a good laugh together.
While the possibilities are endless, the takeaway here is the same. Make today an occasion to think outside the box and reclaim your sexual pleasure.
Tips and Reminders
While autonomy is the name of the game for Anti-V Day, there are a few things we can collectively agree on.
We say NO to blood diamonds, slave chocolate, child labour lingerie, oppressive relationship dynamics, and negative self-talk.
We say HELL YES to defining love on our own terms, unabashedly celebrating our sexual pleasure, fair trade chocolate ( here’s how to make your own!), and supporting artisan-crafted lingerie for people of any gender.
I’d argue that Anti-Valentine’s day is more aligned with the historical St. Valentine than its conventional, consumeristic counterpart. According to this 3-minute YouTube video Valentine was a bishop who rocked the boat about 2,000 years ago.
Roman soldiers were forbidden from getting married. But Valentine basically said, “I do what I want,” and married them to their sweeties anyway. Eventually, the Romans arrested him, demanding that he give up his faith and pray to the gods of the colonizers.
Valentine declined, again saying, “I do what I want.” On the day of his execution, he sent a letter to his sweetheart and signed it, “Love, Your Valentine.” Henceforth the tradition of sending valentines was born.
In conclusion, it is most appropriate to do what the feck you want on February 14, either out of the liberating burn of one’s morals and convictions or simply because you’d rather this day not suck. It’s your life. Live and love on YOUR terms. Now go light some cocktails on fire!
Is your inner sex warrior saying, “This Anti-Valentine’s day I want to come when I want, where I want, to whatever naaaaasty thoughts I want”? Click here >> to check out JETT (no erections required!) and and here >> to feast your eyes on AMO (for clits that like to rumble) from the world’s favourite sex toy rebels, Hot Octopuss.