Question:
My partner has ED. He doesn't want me to pleasure him. I told him I don't care about his ED, I still want to pleasure him, and he says no. What can I do?
A: When someone experiences ED, it’s rarely just about erections. It’s often about lost identity, shame, pressure, and fear of “failing”. Even if you genuinely don’t mind, he may still feel exposed, embarrassed, or worried that being pleasured will highlight what he believes he “can’t do”.
When he says no, it’s important to respect that boundary, even if it feels confusing or rejecting. Instead of focusing on pleasuring him, you might gently shift the conversation outside of a sexual moment. Something like:
“I’m not trying to fix anything. I miss feeling close to you. How are you feeling about all of this? And what would feel supportive right now?"
A few things that can help:
• Remove performance from intimacy. Focus on touch that isn’t goal-oriented, or that suggests leading to anything unwanted. For example, cuddling, massage, skin-to-skin time, like a shower or bath, together with zero expectation.
• Ask what would feel ok to explore right now. Maybe he doesn’t want direct stimulation, but could tolerate lying together or mutual touch.
• Encourage support if he’s open to it. ED is common, and things like speaking with a GP or trained therapist can be really supportive, but only if he feels ready.
And something important for you: you’re allowed to want intimacy. Supporting him doesn’t mean suppressing your needs. If this continues, it’s okay to have an honest conversation about how you both navigate closeness in a way that protects his boundaries and your desires.
April Maria (Sex Educator & Intimacy Coach)
