Question:
I'm such a "people pleaser" that even my sex life has evolved into me catering to my partner's desires and deliver fantastic results (which turns me on tbh). I've gently started asking for more reciprocal attention but it sounds like I'm whining or not enjoying the sex. How can I break this cycle and create a more mutually satisfying experience without looking like I'm throwing a pity party? It's tough being a sensitive guy sometimes.
A: This is such an honest, self-aware question, and it's really common, believe it or not. Firstly, you’re not “whining,” you’re just trying to rebalance a dynamic that, for most of us, we were never taught how to navigate or communicate our needs within. The good news is, there is a way to slowly break this cycle without it sounding like you don’t enjoy the sex.
Number one: practise discussing what you’d like to explore more of outside of the bedroom. Why? Because once you’re naked, aroused, or already performing, it’s easy for requests to sound like criticism or disappointment, even when they’re not meant that way. Outside the bedroom, there’s less pressure, less vulnerability, and more space for curiosity rather than defence.
Keep it light, and always use “I” statements.
For example: “I realised I get a lot of pleasure from pleasing you, and I also want to practise receiving more. I might need your help with that. Would you be up for exploring this together?”
That’s not a pity party. That’s a collaboration.
Remember, being a sensitive guy isn’t a flaw. Learning how to ask for what you want without shame or blame is the key to creating sex that feels mutual and genuinely satisfying for both of you.
April Maira (Sex Educator & Intimacy Coach)
