Leandra Vane, otherwise known as The Unlaced Librarian, wrote an excellent blog for us about disability and sex stigma a couple of years ago. Now she’s about to relaunch her website, we’re delighted to have her guest posting for us again. Leandra has nerve damage in over half her body, but she still loves having orgasms.
The Orgasm Hunter’s Toolkit
I was born with nerve damage. I grew up in a body that was mostly numb, and when I was 24 years old, I had a spine surgery after which I lost even more sensation. Today, I don’t have feeling in over half of my body.
But I still love having orgasms.
I will be honest—having orgasms in a body you can’t feel isn’t an easy endeavor. I hear people talk of ‘teasing’ or ‘coaxing’ an orgasm to emerge from sensitive places. But not me. To get an orgasm, I’ll have to track it, trick it, and trap it.
I am an orgasm hunter.
If you’re like me and have nerve damage or mobility issues, sexual encounters and masturbation can feel like daunting quests. But fear not. The orgasmic beast can be tamed if we listen to our bodies and explore the unknown.
So, let’s suit up and head into the wild.
‘There’s no shame in setting yourself up for success’
Crucial to catching the elusive orgasm are things your body needs to feel relaxed and focused. These things usually aren’t very sexy and often get overlooked. But they are important, and can be the difference between blissful satisfaction and utter frustration.
For me, some of these things include going to the bathroom before a sexual encounter, making sure the room is a cooler temperature than I usually have it, and making sure I have enough pillows to prop myself properly if I’m having issues positioning myself.
Adding sensual details like music, scented candles, or playing with taste can add a lot to a sexy scene. But if certain tastes, scents, or sounds aggravate your condition, eliminating these things prior to masturbation or a sexual encounter will help.
You may need to schedule a sexual session so you can make sure you’ve checked certain things off your own list. I wrote down my list because it is very long, and I often forget things. There’s no shame in setting yourself up for success before you begin.
‘Take your time and learn about your responses’
Another thing to keep in mind is that orgasm hunting is not to be rushed. Arousal response includes both physical and emotional responses, and we all have our own pace. Rather than getting wound up, take your time and learn about how you respond to different touches, thoughts, sensations, fantasies, and sexual acts.
Of course, one of your most powerful tools in your orgasm hunting tactical kit is knowing what turns you on. Me, I like spanking. Talking about it, thinking about it, reading about it, watching porn clips. I can start a bonfire with that initial spank… I mean, spark. You probably already know some things that turn you on, but feel free to search for more! Keep an erotic journal where you jot down things that catch your attention. Engage different senses and entertain different scenarios in your mind.
‘Once you understand what turns you on, build the experience’
Strong, positive sexual memories can also be very effective in lighting your fire. The first time anyone turned me on, the person touched me over my jeans. At the time I couldn’t feel the touch, but the visual of the touch and my emotional reaction made the encounter extremely hot. Now I love porn or erotica where people touch each other over jeans—it drives me wild!
Once you understand what turns you on, build the experience. You’ll need to sustain your arousal through inevitable plateaus in your arousal response cycle.
I personally find it really hot to have my clothing still half on when I’m aroused. When I masturbate I keep my clothes on but dishevel them.
I also have a couple key phrases of dirty talk I can run through my mind during sexy encounters that help keep up my arousal.
‘Props or toys can help draw out a sexy scenario whether alone or with a partner’
The look of props or toys can help, too. Do you find the elaborate design of black lace brings to life your hot historical fantasies? Or do cold, metal-style handcuffs give you the feeling of taboo or edginess? These things can really help to draw out a sexy scenario when you are by yourself or with a partner. Choose toys, clothes, or props that help you tell your sexy story whether it is high end and elegant or obscene and delicious.
Finally, sex toys can help you explore your body and deliver sensations your body responds to.
Different types of vibration do stimulate my body, even if I can’t feel it due to the nerve damage. I have had a lot of success with the PulsePlate technology used in the Queen Bee. Even with my lack of sensation this type of stimulation has brought me to orgasm. Because I can’t feel so many parts of my body, the parts I can feel are extra sensitive. The crook of my elbow is very sensitive and I love putting vibrators there.
Some parts of the body that are often overlooked in sex include wrists, the small of the back, inside of ankles, and backs of knees. I love setting a vibrator on my lower abdomen or having a partner run one over the curve of my ass. Delightful!
‘Explore all the kinky possibilities’
I also love playing with impact toys. I get turned on by lightly slapping areas that are sensitive, like the insides of my thighs. Small paddles are perfect for extra reach and getting at good angles to do this to myself when I masturbate. A suede flogger gently caressing over the body imitates fingertips while masturbating and gives me greater range to reach more areas of my body.
Restraints add urgency to any scene. Even if the handcuff isn’t fastened to anything, just having one clamped on a wrist feeds my imagination and gives me an erotic edge. And never, ever underestimate the power of a simple, slightly sheer blindfold. The possibilities!
So, that’s it, my fellow hunters. The more you engage with the things I have mentioned above, the more intimate you will become with your body. I’m certain in time you will find your frustrations transform into opportunities. Here’s to the thrill of the chase!
Leandra Vane is a sexuality writer and speaker – her groundbreaking blog The Unlaced Librarian covers body identity, relationship styles, sex and disability, kink and book reviews. You can also follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
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