Question:
Why does my partner never initiate and deflect?
A: I hear you, and a lack of intimacy, or someone never engaging or initiating, can bring on a sense of rejection and maybe questions around 'Will intimacy ever return?' or 'Do they still want me?'
But when your partner rarely initiates sex or seems to deflect intimacy, their behaviour alone can’t tell you why. They might be stressed, tired, worried about sexual performance, experiencing discomfort or struggling with something in the relationship. If you are unsure, it's important to remove blame and pressure and explore what might be causing a block for them.
Also, for some people, desire, safety, closeness, or feeling sexy and sensual needs to be present first. Most of us are taught to believe that sex and intimacy can be switched on spontaneously like a light switch, when in fact so many other factors need to be at play.
Try talking at a neutral moment, away from the bedroom and say something like, “I miss feeling wanted by you. I’ve noticed I’m usually the one initiating, and when I bring it up, the conversation seems to close down. What’s intimacy been feeling like for you? Would you be ok to talk about it?”
Listen without making sex the expected outcome. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, but your need for affection and honest communication matters too. If you keep getting stuck, a sex and relationships therapist can help you explore what’s happening together.
April Maria (Psychosexual & Relationships Therapist & Intimacy Coach)
