Amazon is a whirling vortex of sex toy horror stories if you look closely. We wouldn’t recommend buying your sex toys on Amazon as a matter of course – often the products themselves aren’t exactly what you expect, and there are many sellers who are offering things made from questionable materials. In our trawl of Amazon sex toys we even found some people selling toys as ‘anal’ when they were clearly designed for vaginal use – a big issue for those who might not be clued up on the vital difference: anal toys should always have a flared base, so that they can be retrieved easily and not be accidentally ingested.
If you want to buy a PULSE SOLO ESSENTIAL or PULSE DUO, you’re best off buying it directly from us. But sometimes it’s fun to have a look at the Amazon sex toy reviews: alongside disappointed customers, delighted customers, and people-who-are-wondering-what-a-sex-swing-is-for, there are those who brighten up the product reviews with their own unique stories. Behold some of our favourite Amazon sex toy reviews…
The product description promises that these wipe-clean bed sheets allow for “lots of erotic slippery fun with sensual oils, creams, body chocolate, and food, virtually anything you want to spice up your erotic orgy.” But things don’t always have to be used for their original purpose…
“So good I bought one for Algernon, my enormous, incontinent old St. Bernard to put in his bed. He probably hasn’t got long left in this world but these bedsheets wipe clean, so when he’s gone I’ll put it on Amazon Marketplace, if anyone wants to hold on for a couple of months.”
You know the ones – they’re designed for sexy foreplay, the idea being you roll two dice to determine a) which body part you’re going to be paying attention to and b) what you’re going to be doing with it. When you first pick them up you may have romantic notions that they’ll tell you to ‘kiss… neck’ or ‘suck… nipple.’ Unfortunately one Amazon user was incredibly disappointed with the game:
“Waste of money, spent 3 hrs licking my girlfriends hand!”
One gentleman was unhappy with the masturbator he bought because it wasn’t as durable as expected. He edited his initially positive review down to one star because the product had started to tear. In case anyone was wondering whether his use case was unusual, he clarified:
“Note: I do not possess a horse-like appendage by any stretch of the imagination.”
This rather worrying review was found on a realistic ‘mega-masturbator’:
“Found a note in the wrapping calling me a pervert, May take legal action.”
Well, we suppose if you will go giving your product a name with ‘I’ at the front, some people are bound to get confused. But one customer was so irate he left a one-star review on the ‘iWand’:
“iWand??? There me thinking it was made by apple and was a bluetooth speaker. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I realised it was a “massager” of the feminine kind!”
It’s nice to be able to include a positive review, although we’re not sure the submissive at the other end of it will be feeling the same after a while…
“Good quality, does exactly what I need it for. Extensive testing and trials continue.”
One reviewer got a bit wrapped up in the practicalities of consuming candy underwear:
“Bought this as a gag gift and was more than pleased with the results. I assume that practical use would be a nightmare. First, after you’ve finished eating your way through there, your partner with a stained and sticky nether region matching your stained and sticky face, belly grumbling about the mass of talc candy you’re forcing it to endure. … Finally, your partner is now wearing the sticky stringy remnants of the candy underwear. Do you push it aside and go to town or awkwardly extract yourself from the sticky, flossy mess before hand? Or do you stop while your partner showers and you try to call your belly with some Pepto before hitting the shower yourself. …”Babe, we may need to finish this tomorrow. I’m dirty, sticky, have a belly ache and I just want to ball up and cry myself to sleep. … In summary, these are awesome! Consider buying the 6-pack!”
You might think butt plugs are only good for anal play, but this avocado-loving customer thinks differently:
“This works GREAT for making guacamole! It fits my molcajete and smashes them avocados just right. PLUS, I can keep a firm grip when I get green goo on my hands. This is especially useful for making pesto! My hands usually get all greased up but I can grab hold of this and smash them nuts (pine) and cheese and basil. This was a great find! I never would have found it if this guy didn’t tell me. He’s a great educator. You can find him on Yelp. Anyway, I can think of plenty of uses for this. I wish it wasn’t so black, though.”
On the same product, though, someone ended up utterly disappointed:
“I purchased this as a gag gift and it didn’t go over well. Make sure you give something like this to the right person. The birthday party kinda ended when this thing came out of the box”
You’d probably expect your ‘deluxe’ anal plug to come in nice packaging. The second part is a surprise, though:
“… comes in very discreet packaging and at first looks like some sort of terrifying weapon from the future.”
That same reviewer took a pretty heroic stab at a vibrator review too – painting an evocative picture of how the different vibration modes feel…
“The vibration modes are as follows, forgive my uneducated descriptive terms…
- Woody woodpecker laugh
- Pew. Pew.
- All of the above”
Like all good stories (or blog posts), this one ends with a moral: you need to be very careful what you buy and from where. While there are definitely plenty of sex toys, lubes, lingerie and other hot things available on the site, when it comes to something you’re putting in, on or near your genitals, you want to be really sure it’s right. If you’re thinking of buying a PULSE SOLO ESSENTIAL or PULSE DUO, you can buy one here direct from us. And if you’re thinking of any other toys, make sure to check out an actual sex toy seller – DangerousLilly has a good guide on why buying sex toys from Amazon can be risky.
In our travels we found a couple of reviews that were genuinely worrying. This one, on a set of anal beads, implies that the quality is so poor no one should be using them:
“they weren’t long out their packaging, before they snapped in three different places. There was no mishandling or mistreatment. They were only in my hands and nowhere else. I’m glad they weren’t anywhere else, otherwise it might have been a rather mortifying trip to A&E. They really are the cheapest of the cheap and I will be looking for sturdier toys in the future.”
And even if the product might be safe for one type of use, sellers who don’t know the difference can end up mislabelling vaginal toys as anal toys – with disastrous consequences, as this poor customer found:
“Don’t believe the claim that these can be used anally! If you do, you could find yourself in a real bad situation. I bought them and tried them once only to find that while using the nylon string to remove them, the first ball split in half. I was holding the string and half a ball. The second ball and the remainder of the first one were still ‘in me’. It took a lot of lube and some serious discomfort with the sharp edge of the half ball to get these completely out of me and avoid an embarrassing trip to the hospital. Definitely would not recommend as an anal toy.”
Moral of the story? Always do your research, and be careful before you hit the ‘buy’ button.