No Sex 20 Years, Craving FWB

"My wife and I have been married 50 years minus 6 months of a non-sexual separation in the early 90s that was my choice. Sorry to say the relationship is the same. There has been no intimacy for the past 20 years. I crave a “friend with benefits” (FWB)."

"I want to be up front with my wife and tell her of my desire to find a FWB. I kind of broke the ice a few months ago by telling her I am looking to join a seniors’ group. Her reaction was the usual lack of concern. I believe we both realize we are in a marriage of convenience without benefits. Is there an acronym for this?"

Joan answers:

It’s not an acronym, but a marriage that is sexless but otherwise harmonious is called a “companionate marriage.” You don’t say why sex dropped out of your marriage and what, if anything, you’ve done to try to bring it back. You say your separation 30 years ago was your choice, but you don’t say whether you, your wife, or both of you put the halt to sex.

If you and your wife are not sexual together and don’t plan to be, you should both be permitted to seek a sexual connection outside the marriage. Yes, tell her the truth. You say you “kind of” opened the conversation with your desire to join a “seniors’ group,” but that’s not even close to telling her the truth. A “seniors’ group” might be a book club, a movie night, a fishing trip – you’ve said nothing about your real desire.

When you say, “I believe we both realize,” that translates to “We haven’t talked about it and I have no idea what she thinks.” Why not? This conversation is long overdue, but it’s never too late.