I Never Wanted to Marry Him

"My husband and I married very late in life in our mid-70s, six months ago. It was my third marriage, his eighth! He equates sex with love, while I want a deeper relationship. He wants sex at least twice a day — morning and evening. He is limited to oral sex as he has ED due to cardiac medications. He becomes upset and pouty when I decline his advances, but my vulva has become irritated and tender, which he claims is my fault or an excuse. This has caused possibly irreparable damage to our already delicate marriage."

"I want to add that I did not want to marry, as I had been happily single for 30 years, but I succumbed to pressure from him and wed. I am already regretting this. Any suggestions would be much appreciated."

Joan answers:

A deep emotional connection and frequent sex can co-exist in a marriage, but that’s not really the issue here. The kind and frequency of sex your husband wants is not pleasurable to you, and it leaves your vulva raw and irritated. Instead of sympathizing, he’s shaming you.

Your relationship is not what either of you wants in its present state, and there’s little chance that this will improve, from the way you describe it. He’s been married eight times? Not a great track record for working things out, especially if he meets conflict with “upset and pouty.”

You didn’t want to marry, and you’re regretting it now. You said it yourself — your rift has “caused possibly irreparable damage to our already delicate marriage.” I think you know what you want to do. If you wrote for my reassurance that you should leave your marriage and return to being happily single, you have it.