We are ridiculously delighted to learn that this week is National Cake Week. Not only are we treated to a regular slice of deliciousness via the Great British Bake Off, we get a whole week to celebrate one of the greatest teatime snacks since sliced bread. In fact, given that bread doesn’t usually come with fondant or fruit, we’d argue that cake might even be better than sliced bread. So to celebrate, we’re giving you a run-down of our sexiest cake recipes. Not ‘sexy’ like those cakes shaped like genitals that people commission for stag and hen parties – we mean cakes that you can tuck into before or after sex. Or even during sex, if that’s your cup of tea.
Ready? Let’s get sticky.
Chocolate Guinness cake
An absolute classic Nigella Lawson recipe, this absolute beast of a cake contains more chocolate than Charlie’s factory, and a helping of Guinness to go along with it. While it might not sound like the most obvious combination, the sticky, heavy, satisfying slices are perfect for replenishing energy after a long and intensive night of shagging. What’s more, it’s topped with cream cheese frosting which you can lick sexily off your lover’s fingers – perfect to get them ready for another round…
Toffee apple cake
As well as being National Cake Week it’s also October – the season of Halloween and soon Bonfire Night. Which means plenty of opportunity to eat toffee apples while watching fireworks… or hiding at home in bed to make some fireworks of your own. The latter will be especially popular with those who are scared of fireworks (at least one member of the Hot Octopuss team has to cower indoors like a frightened puppy when Bonfire Night comes round) as well as those who don’t want to venture into the freezing November night and would rather keep themselves warm indoors instead. For them, this toffee apple cake from BBC recipes will be the perfect addition to a sexy (and cosy) night in.
Vegan and gluten-free chocolate cake
Finding a really amazing vegan cake can sometimes be a bit of a trial – bakers who aren’t used to using vegan and gluten-free ingredients can stumble and end up creating disappointingly dry slabs of nothingness. But don’t be fooled by the amateurs – Jamie Oliver’s vegan and gluten-free chocolate cake is sticky and tempting enough that it’s basically an aphrodisiac in itself. We’d recommend a slice of this after you’ve cooked someone a romantic dinner. Then another slice later on, to get your strength back after you’ve made out.
Smooth cream cake
When choosing the sexiest cakes, it’s not just about picking ones which are good for eating before or after sex: cake can also be a delicious, squishy addition to sex itself. Just ask any splosh fetishist! Splosh is a word used to describe kinky play in which participants use gooey, gungy substances (often foodie ones like custard or whipped cream) to cover each others’ bodies. It can also include things like custard pies and… especially relevant for National Cake Week – cakesitting!
Before we go any further down this rabbit hole, it’s worth noting that when you’re incorporating food directly into your sex play, you need to be careful with your most intimate areas: some foods can cause infections or disrupt the pH balance of the vagina. You don’t want to spend the next week or two itching or uncomfortable because stray whipped cream went in the wrong place. But as long as you’re careful not to ingest the cake any way other than orally, feel free to go to town on smearing, sploshing and cakey snogs. Perhaps with a satisfyingly creamy cake like this one from AllRecipes.
Best cakes to eat after sex?
Naturally we know we’re not the only people with opinions on cakes – when we threw this question out to Twitter yesterday we were inundated with suggestions on the best cakes to eat after sex. Here are a few of our favourite suggestions, with links to recipes if you fancy whipping up a sexy treat…
Lemon drizzle cake
Whether it’s the refreshing taste of lemon or just the fact that ‘drizzle’ sounds a bit sexy, we had quite a few suggestions for this classic. And seeing as it’s such a classic, naturally we have to turn to the Queen of Cakes herself for the perfect recipe: here’s Mary Berry’s Lemon Drizzle. Go heavy on the sauce.
While we’re on the subject of classics, a fair few people recommended that the fresh-fruit-and-fresh-cream combo in a truly spectacular Victoria sponge would be the best way to recuperate after an exhausting night (or morning, or afternoon) in the sack. Delia Smith’s passion-fruit Victoria sandwich is a passionate twist on this traditional recipe.
Cheesecake, brownies, puddings
There were plenty of suggestions for cheesecake as well as a few brownie-related options and one or two puddings like tiramisu or sticky toffee. Some people offered these suggestions nervously, unsure as to whether they all technically counted as cakes, but we’ve taken the executive decision to include them anyway. Because honestly, when you’re basking in the afterglow of an amazing orgasm, eating bites of something sweet and tasty, who cares if it is ‘technically’ a cake or a pudding: it’ll be very welcome nonetheless.
BBC Good Food has your back when it comes to tiramisu, Betty Crocker has some pretty exceptional gluten-free brownies, and for the cheesecake we’re leaning towards Bezza again – you just can’t beat her white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake.
All of these cakes are suitable for eating before, after, and even during sex: and what better excuse to bring sponge and cream into your bedroom than National Cake Week? If none of the above has floated your boat, or if you and you partner want to be a bit more experimental in your recipes for post-sex cake, you can find plenty more suggestions over on Twitter.
For now though you must excuse us – the oven timer’s beeping and Paul Hollywood is at the door.