My husband stopped having sex with me the day we got married. I am a 49-year-old woman who married an affectionate, caring man ten years ago, after living together for a year and a half. At times, he was emotionally abusive with angry episodes. Outside of those, he is physically affectionate, kissing and cuddling me — yet our marriage has been sexless other than two or three times in ten years. I feel rejected and lonely, and I crave sexual intimacy.
Now I’m going into menopause, close to depression at wasting the end of my youth in a sexless marriage. I had a one-night stand with a friend which reminded me how much I like sex. I deeply regret cheating on my husband, but on the other hand, I feel cheated by the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage. I’m depressed that this is my future, but if I leave, I’m afraid I will be completely alone without any kind of affection in the quest to find a compatible partner. I don’t want to grow old and die without having lived with sexual intimacy after 40.
I think you know the answer. If you leave, you might or might not find what you want. If you don’t leave, you’re guaranteed not to find it! Your husband has been withholding sex for the entire decade of your marriage. You didn’t say whether you’ve been able to talk about it or gotten counseling — but clearly there’s been no resolution.
If you had known ten years ago that this would be your life, would you have married this man? There are plenty of years ahead for you to find joy, companionship, and good sex. Please don’t settle for a sexless marriage any longer. If you’re sure you want to stay, talk honestly, get counseling, and negotiate a way to open up your relationship to get your needs met with other partners, if you’re willing to do that. But if you wrote to me hoping for advice to leave this sexless marriage and find a more compatible partner, you have it.