By Jen Dragon
For years, sex for me and my partner hinged on vaginal penetration. Possibly with some oral thrown in, but usually relegated to foreplay and swiftly abandoned. We flirted with anal now and again but I enjoyed it more as a novelty than a means of receiving actual pleasure. While I love the sensation of having stuff in my butt, the vigorous pistoning of a strap in my arse was always a mite too uncomfortable, and before long we’d be back to PIV, limbs strewn around each other, with no regrets.
This suited us fine for the best part of a decade, until three years ago I did something which turned our sex life upside down.
I socially transitioned to female.
Sex after transition is different for everyone, of course. Lots of trans women enjoy using their penis for penetration post-transition. I found that living full-time as my true gender left me with dysphoria in the bedroom that simply hadn’t been there before. When being ‘allowed’ to be female was a rare treat, PIV sex was fantastic, but only relative to a life where I was constantly pretending to be something I wasn’t out of a misplaced sense of duty to fucked up societal mores. And that’s a life of the most interminable drudgery.
‘If your partner is more in love with your genitalia than you, coming out as trans will probably be the final nail in the coffin’
As an out trans woman, marching up to someone and sticking my penis in their vagina suddenly threw up unwanted feelings of masculinity, not helped by the fact I was also a bottom, and every sexual fantasy I’d ever had involved me being penetrated (if it involved penetration at all). I found myself unable to give my partner what they’d so enjoyed all these years, but to my unalloyed delight, they not only accepted this, they positively embraced it.
The crux of the matter is that if your partner is more in love with your genitalia than they are with you, coming out as trans will probably be the final nail in the coffin of the relationship, but if it’s you they want, they’ll move mountains to keep you, and ensure that the both of you are healthy and happy.
My partner and I are bisexual, we’ve never been with anyone else and we’ve never stopped loving each other. Prior to transition their main fear was that they’d fall out of love with me because they didn’t know if I’d be the kind of girl to whom they were attracted, but that reservation flew out the window when they saw how happy it made me to live as my true self. Buoyed by the thrill of a new chapter in our relationship, we started seeking ways to enjoy sex after transition that weren’t predicated on PIV, and this, incidentally – or perhaps inevitably – led to more exciting sex.
‘We ditched the blowjobs and I got great at giving head’
The changes were, broadly, threefold. We’d always done oral but – somewhat aptly – we’d only ever paid lip service to it. I hated receiving blowjobs because it drew attention to my penis, and while I enjoyed cunnilingus a lack of confidence in my technique limited me to short bursts.
After my transition, we ditched the blowjobs (my partner didn’t seem to miss them) and I got great at giving head. We tried different positions to increase the amount of time I could spend with my face buried in their cunt without getting tired, and they provided encouragement, both verbal and in the form of hands and thighs pressing me deeper inside them (I never exactly came out as submissive, but at this stage my partner can read me like a porno).
Second, anal went from occasional experiment to sexual staple (which sounds horrifying and hot at the same time). We got a better strap, I got on the anal training to ensure I was loose enough to allay discomfort, and again, we tried different positions. It wasn’t long before my partner discovered that sitting on the edge of the bed while I bounced on their lap with my limbs wrapped around them simultaneously stimulated my prostate, my penis, and my not inconsiderable daddy kink, and made me come like A Fucking Train.
‘We abandoned the notion of foreplay. Anything can be sex if you want it to be’
Lastly, and not entirely consciously, we abandoned the notion of foreplay. Anything can be sex if you want it to be. Some of our best sessions involve me doing nothing more than sitting astride a carelessly exposed leg, humping away and mewling pathetically. Once upon a time this would inevitably have led to penetration, but these days it’s far more likely my partner will pull out a vibrator and bring themself to orgasm while being entertained by my uncontrollable desperation. No complaints here.
After all that, we do sometimes still engage in vaginal penetration, but only because we have all these other options available, and because there is still pleasure to be found in fucking someone who sees and acknowledges me for who I am. For no matter how masculine my genitals threaten to make me feel, I need only look in my partner’s eyes to see the girl I’ve become staring back.
Jenby is a sex blogger and fetish model who discusses all things kink on her site JenDragon. She can also be found on Twitter and FetLife. She lives in Nottinghamshire with her partner, who is slowly getting used to being called Master, and a bearded dragon, who doesn’t readily seem to care what you call it.