As a sex toy company, it’s basically compulsory that we write a Valentine’s Day blog. Picture us now, if you will, weeping in front of a blank laptop screen, desperately trying to come up with new ways to say ‘buy a sex toy!’ which don’t fall foul of any of the traditional ‘Valentine’s Day’ tropes.
It is, we have come to realise, impossible.
So instead of presenting you with ‘Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Gift Ideas Guaranteed To Make Them Fall Head Over Heels In Love With You’ we present to you instead: rejected ideas for Valentine’s Day gift blogs.
Sex Toys To Buy Your Partner That Will Guarantee Them An Orgasm
Orgasms are not like refunds: no one can offer a guarantee.
Valentine’s Gifts With Which To Surprise Your Partner
Like, what, you can leap out of the bedroom wardrobe brandishing a colourful dildo? Actually scratch that, this sounds fun.
Valentine’s Gifts That Will Make Them Love You Forever
The only thing that could fall into this category would be brainwashing. Not very romantic.
Valentine’s Gift Ideas That Won’t Break The Bank
We don’t know how much is in your account. It’s feasible that even a trip to Poundland might be too much for you this soon after Christmas.
Valentine’s Gift Ideas That Literally Will Break The Bank
Including: balaclava, voucher for a safe-cracking course, and blueprints for the local bank branch.
Valentine’s Gifts For Him
Valentine’s Gifts For Her
Why ‘Gifts For Him And Her’ Are Too Gendered
Valentine’s Gift Ideas Inspired By 50 Shades of Grey
Helicopter, grey suit, snore-inducing two-hundred page contract. Just what they’ve always wanted!
Valentine’s Gifts Inspired By Deadpool
“Quick – think of another film that had something sexy in! Deadpool had a pegging scene, right? OK, let’s do one on pegging.”
Quirky Valentine’s Gifts That No One Else Will Think Of
Except the other people who have read this advice guide, obviously.
Sigh. The life of a sex toy social media manager might be fun, but it’s sometimes pretty arduous. So instead of giving you one or all of these tenuously-linked Valentine’s Gift guides, we’re going to trust your judgment on the right thing to do.
Celebrate Valentine’s Day if you and your partner both enjoy the romance, pick a gift if you want to, and grab a PULSE III SOLO or DUO if you know someone who’ll really appreciate it. But we’ve rejected these Valentine’s blog posts, so feel free to reject the day too if you want to. There’s no rule that says treats and romance must be confined to February the 14th.
This Valentine’s Day: do whatever works for you.