The EDGE Blog

Poetry Month: Proud To Be A Wanker


This month we learned that it’s National Poetry Month in America – while the UK gets just one National Poetry Day (27th September in 2017, if you’d like to start dusting off your rhymes!) over in the US they get an entire month. To celebrate, and frankly just because it’s fun, we thought we’d write a little poem about our favourite subject: masturbation!

Proud to be a wanker

This guy who was a friend of mine:
We had a falling out
Whenever he got angry
“You’re a wanker!” he would shout.

Every time we disagreed
His face would go bright red.
Then “wanker!” this and “jerk-off” that
Until one day I said:

“Oh my friend, I don’t deny it
I won’t fight you, cry or flee.”
I raised my hand, high fived him
And said: “Wanker? Yep, that’s me!”

I masturbate when I’m alone
Or with consenting friends
Indulge in a hand shandy
When the day is at an end.

I’ve got butt plugs, rings, vibrators
And a range of different lube
Cos there’s nothing wrong with wanking
And in fact – it’s good for you!

It can calm you when you’re anxious
Entertain you when you’re bored
Give you something to get on with
While you’re putting off the chores.

You can jerk it in the shower,
Rub one out when you awake,
Use the ads between TV shows
For a masturbation break.

With new sex toys, tricks and tips
The world of wanking’s growing fast:
Whether clit or g-spot, vag or dick
Or something up your arse.

There are toys that will vibrate you
Til you weaken at the knees
There are even special gadgets
That’ll help you wank hands-free!

Try a simulated hand job
Or some stimulating head,
Learn to love new kinds of pleasure
That you’ll put to use in bed.

A power-wank makes quite a show
For those who want to see.
It is one of life’s great joys
And best of all – it comes for free!

And though we don’t all masturbate
The ones of us who do
Should claim that word with pride:
Yes, we are wankers through-and-through!

So my friend when you say ‘wanker’
And I shrug and say “so what?”
Remember that a strong right arm’s
Just part of what I’ve got:

I’ve got pleasure by the bucket
I’ve got sex toys by the tonne
I’ve got vibes that make me happy
I’ve got porn that makes me come.

So when you call me ‘wanker’
I’ll say ‘yep, that’s me, don’t hate:
Cos I’m not afraid to say it:
Jerking off is pretty great.’

Masturbation may be private
But it’s not a vice to hide
I’m a free and happy wanker
And I’ll wear that badge with pride.

It’s not something I’m afraid of
Or an insult to my name
I’m a wanker, jerk-off, tosser
And I’ll never be ashamed.

So when you’re called a ‘wanker’
Like it’s somehow bad to be
Just reply with a high five
And tell them: ‘wanker? Yep, that’s me!’

Want to join in? Win a PULSE III

If you also think it’s fun to make up silly rhymes about masturbation, feel free to write your own verse and either tweet it to us @HotOctopuss or email to – let us know how you’d like to be credited (with a link/name etc) and we’ll add it to this page.

The best one we receive before the end of April 2017 will win a PULSE III SOLO or DUO – a wanking tool you can be especially proud of.

Terms and conditions:

  • Only one entry per person
  • Entrants must be over 18
  • You must submit your entry either via the email address above or by tweeting it and including @HotOctopuss in your tweet
  • By entering, you are happy for Hot Octopuss to publish your poem on this blog and our social channels (though rights to the poem remain yours, of course!)
  • Deadline for entries is midnight (UK time) on 30th April 2017
  • The winner will be chosen by the Hot Octopuss team, and notified via email or Twitter depending on how you entered. Judges decision is final! 
  • The prize is one Hot Octopuss PULSE (your choice of SOLO or DUO)

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