True story: it’s about as common for a cis woman that has just engaged in straight sex to be asked, “How many times did I make you come then?” as it is for her to lie there mulling over her to-do list as he grinds, pumps and sweats away!
Fair to say, most men would find it difficult to accept this as a reality.
Yet the truth is, when it comes to sex, especially for those in heterosexual relationships, the feeling of being left unsatisfied, is a real one!
A major part of a healthy sex life is the pleasure and satisfaction that one gains from engaging in the act with another. If a woman finds her needs are not being met, she may make excuses or avoid sex completely. Worse still, she may just do it out of obligation.
As a direct result of the lack of satisfaction, many women opt to seek pleasure through masturbation alone, before, after, and even during sex.
Interestingly, this is where the misconception that women don’t enjoy sex or would rather masturbate derives from.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of men subscribe to this idea as a justification for why a woman didn’t come through penetrative sex. This generic fallacy is archaic and hugely problematic, isn’t it? However, ironically, it’s also quite clear to see where the belief could have stemmed from.
The Orgasm Gap
Whilst it would be unfair for any of us to try and measure what is a good and healthy sex life based on other people’s orgasms, we cannot ignore the blatant orgasm gap.
The orgasm gap, also known as orgasm inequality, is a general term used to describe the actuality that men who engage in heterosexual sexual encounters tend to have more orgasms than cis women that do the same.
Plenty of research has confirmed the orgasm gap is real. Durex conducted a study that revealed 20% of women said they do not orgasm during heterosexual sex compared to 2% of men.
Further studies have also proven that lesbian women and women that masturbate alone, enjoy more orgasms than women that have heterosexual sex.
In fact, a large percentage of women that masturbate claim they orgasm every time!
As easy as it would be to blame those with a penis for their lack of ability to be able to make women orgasm, it’s a little bit deeper than that.
It is a cultural thing.
For starters, we need more education around the anatomy of vulva owners with a particular focus on the importance of the clitoris during sex for many.
Women also need to be encouraged to feel empowered within themselves. Having good positivity and self-esteem will translate into confidence.
Feeling confident enough to express what we enjoy sexually, is the aim.
To be honest, announcing from the rooftops that she wants a freak in the sheets that makes her weak and gives her multiple orgasms that can put her to sleep, is something that should be afforded to all heterosexual women. Why not? Men have openly expressed their desires since the dawn of time. Change is long overdue!
Also, importantly, the redefining of heterosexual sex as more than just a penis in vagina situation is necessary. As it stands, the common idea that penetration should be enough to make a woman orgasm is incorrect, misleading and one of the main reasons why the orgasm gap exists.
No man alive would want to feel that they can’t do sex right! So, whilst every woman has the absolute right to convey her thoughts and feelings, taking a reasonable approach is crucial.
The bottom line here is: every vulva owner deserves an orgasm if that’s what they want. Don’t fake your orgasms either. That’s lying to him and more importantly, to yourself!
We know communication is the Holy Grail of any successful relationship. Without it, things fall apart and can prove difficult to piece back together. The same applies when it comes to sex.
Address your emotions.
Women in relationships often tie emotions to sex. If she is not feeling appreciated, loved, heard, or respected, the last thing she will want is sex.
Be crystal clear about your needs.
Be clear on what needs to be communicated. Remove any shame that may be attached to any issues and treat the discussion as an opportunity for all involved to share their feelings too.
As challenging as it may be to open up the conversation initially, once the words are out, the process of understanding and effecting change can begin.
Don’t clam up during sex.
It’s important to continue with effective communication during sex. Tell him what is working well. Focus on the positives.
SPICE IT UP!
Boring sex is another classic reason why some women avoid physical intimacy.
Having sex the same way every time becomes monotonous and it’s only a matter of time before interest wanes.
Whilst not every sexual encounter will involve swinging from the chandeliers or getting jiggy on kitchen worktops, removing the predictability out of regular sex makes it more exciting.
Research says that women respond well to clitoral stimulation so why not add a little something extra? A finger vibrator such as DiGiT could be perfect. DiGiT delivers deep, rumbly sensations, so it’s a great alternative to your typically buzzy bullet vibe. And it’s wearable so it won’t slip out of your hand even when things get wild!
G spot stimulation is another area worth exploring.
KURVE offers quite the helping hand! Offering up treble and bass options, it provides exciting ways to find the perfect rhythm (or shall we say, symphony) required to woo the G spot like never before!
Schedule intimate time and try and stick to those plans.
Use the time to explore each other verbally and non-verbally and maintain honest and open discourse.
Try out new ways of being intimate. Sharing fantasies is one way whilst watching erotica is another.
Don’t just say it; show them!
Yes, conversations are great but visuals work well too!
Masturbation is a great way of showing your partner what you like and how you like it done. If the confidence is there, get them involved too.
As mentioned earlier, a lack of understanding is the main reason why a lot of women in heterosexual relationships are left unsatisfied. Sometimes all he may need is to be shown and told how.