A Sexy Alternative To The McChicken Sandwich

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The #McChicken hashtag started trending on Sunday evening, and hasn’t stopped causing controversy since. Is it a promotion, perhaps, for the popular fast food chain?

Nope.

It’s a video of a guy and a delicious McChicken sandwich. And he’s lovin’ it.

Hopefully this isn’t the start of a new McDonald’s sex toy trend (or Burger King, for that matter – don’t stick your wang in a Whopper). We just want to remind everyone that if you’re horny, there’s a sex toy for that.

In developing PULSE, we rigorously tested lots of different ways to pleasure oneself in the pursuit of maximum pleasure. Campaigning to halt the harming of any more McChicken sandwiches, or any other fast food for that matter, we’ve compiled a list of features boasted by PULSE, which should be a welcome reminder that there are dedicated experts for fast love, too:

  • PULSE is 100% waterproof
  • Utilizes oscillating PulsePlate technology, for maximum pleasure
  • Allows for completely hands free masturbation
  • Five different stimulation modes
  • No chickens were harmed in the making of this sex toy

Have we tempted you away from fast food and towards a high-quality, pleasurable sex toy instead? We hope so. But just in case you’re still feeling experimental, here is a list of foods you should under no circumstances have sex with.

A Greggs Pasty

While hot snacks can look sexy on the outside, danger lurks below that tasty pastry crust. Reports of a guy called Howard Russell, who was suing Greggs after burning his penis on one of their pasties, are most likely urban legends. But that doesn’t mean there’s no good advice for pasty-lovers: urban legend or not, it’s still a cautionary tale for anyone wanting to get hot with a hot-pocket.

One (or more) Cadbury’s Creme Eggs

Another real-life (or not-so-real life) story from the Sunday Sport involves a gentleman who stuck a total of 9 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs up his bum. From a sex perspective, if you want to indulge in safe anal play you need to make sure whatever’s going up there has a flared base (so you can easily get it out again). From a flavour perspective, you can’t fault his taste in confectionery. Better going in the other end though.

A Krispy Kreme Donut

While we’re in the confectionery aisle, let’s consider this entry from the Urban Dictionary for ‘Krispy Kreme surprise’:

“The sexual performance when a man places a krispy kreme doughnut on his erected penis and … dances around swinging his dong in a clock-wise rotation”

Whatever floats your boat. And if you think this sounds odd, consider that using donuts in sex is far from unusual – the mainstream magazine Cosmopolitan once offered the famous sex tip:

“Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”

If you follow that link you’ll read a first-hand account of how this tip works in real life. Which just goes to show that you can’t really blame McChicken guy: if someone suggests a sexy idea, there’ll always be someone who’s willing to try it.

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Posted on Aug 31st, 2016 Uncategorized

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