You’ve got a day off work, which is good. But you’ve also got a bunch of stuff to catch up on, which is bad. These extremely efficient life hacks will help you breeze through the traditional bank holiday activities and get on with the things you actually want to do – like catching up on Game of Thrones, or perfecting your hands-free masturbation technique with PULSE II SOLO.
Bank holiday activity: DIY
One of the most popular pastimes of a Bank Holiday monday is to swear at a set of shelves while hitting them repeatedly with a hammer. Or ham-fistedly re-tile the bathroom. If you’re ambitious, you might even be contemplating doing some wonky plastering in your hallway.
Put down the DIY implements and come to terms with the truth: if you truly enjoyed DIY then you wouldn’t have put it off until the Bank Holiday. It’s OK. That set of shelves can wait for a professional.
Laziness hack: Check A Trade has plenty of recommended professionals in your area. Some of them won’t even judge you for not knowing how to use a spirit level.
Extreme laziness hack: just put all your stuff on the floor and declare that it’s part of your ‘aesthetic’
Bank holiday activity: spring cleaning
Listen: there’s no point in having the day off work if you’re only going to spend it washing and ironing clothes to prepare you for the next day’s work. And look, it’s not like the apocalypse will begin first thing on Tuesday if you don’t quite get round to vacuuming the entire house. If your place is in a state and you were waiting for Bank Holiday to spring-clean it, there are life hacks for that…
Laziness hack: TaskRabbit is a website where you can find people who want to earn spare cash by popping round your house to do your chores. While you’re locked in your bedroom enjoying some alone time, they can whizz round with a hoover.
Extreme laziness hack: Grab a rubbish bag, and throw away anything that smells like it’s started rotting.
Bank holiday activity: barbecue
Sure, the weather’s nice, but is that any reason to go and sweat over a smoky bonfire before eating some raw chicken legs? No, it isn’t.
Laziness hack: ring round all your friends, tell them you’re having a barbecue, but that because you’re providing the venue they all need to chip in with some meat, beer, and cooking skills. Sit back and relax in a sun lounger as your mates pile in and cook something awesome.
Extreme laziness hack: takeaway company Deliveroo will bring delicious, hot food from your favourite restaurant directly to your door.
Bank holiday activity: a lovely walk in the countryside
Nothing says ‘bank holiday’ like a six-mile hike with a few of your closest pals, followed by two hours squeezed into a country pub between a family with exuberant toddlers and a bloke who’s talking to his dog.
If you’d rather be enjoying a box set and a sit down, or testing out new sex positions with your other half, there are ways to hack this bank holiday activity too.
Laziness hack: quad bikes, mountain bikes, cable cars – there are plenty of vehicles ostensibly aimed at the fun-having go-getter but which also double up as a means of making a country walk go by quicker. Renting a mountain bike means you’ll get round that walk in less than a third of the time, and be home before your walking friends have started tucking into a post-walk pint.
Extreme laziness hack: pop Countryfile on, and open a window. All the joy of outside, from the comfort of your own sofa.
Voila! Thanks to these life hacks, you’ve cut your bank holiday activity down to a fraction of what it once was. Your wallet might be a bit lighter, but at least you’ve bought yourself some time to perfect your masturbation technique, or sit in a darkened room having the proper rest that you deserve. Have a great bank holiday!