How to negotiate a scene
Before you skip ahead to the how-to section, you must – MUST! – cozy up to the unsung hero of BDSM: negotiation.
Every kink scene must be negotiated in advance, no matter how long you’ve known your partner. Ask questions. Get clarity. Check in.
Both partners should answer the following questions:
• Do you have any medical conditions, allergies, or mental health triggers?
• If an episode of your condition is triggered, how should I respond?
• What do you want out of this scene? Be specific.
• Do you have any favorite toys you want to incorporate?
• What are your soft limits? Things that can be done to push buttons or challenge one another, which are not particular favorites but which you are willing to do. Can also be something challenging that you’ve wanted to try.
• What are your hard limits? Something you are absolutely not willing to do. Can also include specific sensations or triggering words.
• What parts of your body do you want touched?
• What parts of your body do you not want touched?
• Let’s agree whether to use a safeword (“TACO TRUCK!”), stoplight method (“Green – keep going! Yellow – slow down. Red – stop right now,”) grown up words (“Hey Chuck, I need to stop now,”) a hand signal, or an object to drop on the ground (in cases of bottoms who know that they go non verbal in subspace, or when playing in loud settings.)
• Do you want aftercare? If so, what? Both tops and bottoms can receive aftercare.
• If sexual fluids are going to be a part of the scene, it’s recommended to use gloves and condoms in addition to emailing one another results of your most recent STD panel.
A negotiation is a living thing. What feels good – and what feels bad – can change from moment to moment. It’s our responsibility to check in with ourselves and one another frequently during a kink scene. Respond with affirmation and support. As we practice responding with affirmation and support, trust is strengthened. As trust grows, so does our relationship.
Scene 1: Make me a sammich
Supplies: apron, sandwich fixin’s
1. The top instructs the bottom on which clothing items to remove. They then instruct the bottom to don their apron.
2. The top proceeds to instruct the bottom to build them the perfect sandwich. They may be sitting in a chair, smoking a cigar, or masturbating while this is happening. Basically, the top is doing whatever makes them feel most powerful and sexy in that moment.
3. Ways to lean into the power dynamic:
• Tell the bottom to bring the loaf of bread to you for inspection. Squeeze the bread to determine its softness *devil emoji*
• Be subdued but finicky with your preferences. Supervise the bottom applying the condiments (“Thicker please. Not quite that thick. Thank you,”) meat (“Daddy likes his meat rolled, not flat,) and cheese (“Tsk tsk! Cut that in triangles please.”)
• Bend your bottom over the counter. Spank, tease, and caress them with various kitchen implements.
• Command the bottom to masturbate or do whatever else you want while you enjoy your sandwich.
Scene 2: Mouth Exploration
Optional supplies: popsicle, nitrile gloves, floss, napkins
1. Have the bottom lay on their back. Offer a bolster or anything else needed to accommodate their comfort.
2. Put on the nitrile gloves (optional.) Match your breath to the bottom’s, watching their belly rising and falling for cues when to inhale and exhale. Proceed to slowly draw your fingertip along the surface of their lips.
3. “Open.” Tell your bottom to open their mouth. Gradually slip your finger inside, running it along their gums. Explore the various surfaces of their teeth and gums.
4. “Suck.” Tell your bottom to suck your finger. Move your finger in and out of their mouth, continuing to stimulate their gums and tongue.
5. At this point your partner is probably feeling drooly. Hold the napkin next to their cheek and have them turn their head toward it, allowing any excess saliva to flow into the absorbent surface. (If the awkwardness and humiliation of this turns them on, there’s a good chance that your partner would be into medical play!)
6. Now it’s time to get weird. Wrap a piece of floss around your fingers and proceed to floss your bottom’s teeth. Laughter is good. Remember this is all playing into the power dynamic.
7. “Lick, lick, suck.” Enter popsicle. Peel off the wrapper and hold the melty treat above the bottom’s mouth. They are to wait for your command. Tell them when to lick, when to suck, and when to bite. Good.
8. If desired, end scene with cuddles and popsicle flavored kisses.
Scene 3: Little time!
Age play can be incredibly easy to slip into.
Supplies needed: any costumes, toys, or treats that the Little wants.
1. Initiate the scene by asking your Little, “Does my sweet boy/tiny unicorn/fairy pirate want to play?”
2. When they say, “Yep!” proceed with any negotiated activities. This may include wrestling, building a blanket fort, or cuddling and watching cartoons.
3. Incorporate over the knee (OTK) spankings or lap time as desired.
4. Make sure to give your Little lots of smooches, candy, and words of affirmation.
5. Take it on the road! Little scenes take well to undercover play. Take your little on an ice cream date or to the movie theatre. They can bring a pocket-sized stuffed animal and wear their favourite little clothes underneath their normal ones. A sparkly butt plug or a wink from Daddy can send them over the moon during sneaky public play.
I can hear the wheels turning in your head. Good! Make notes of your kink scene ideas. Imagine big, but when it comes to planning and execution, make things as simple as possible. Most importantly, enjoy the process of imaging and creating these delightful experiments with your partners.