These aren’t exactly traditional sex tips, but it’s taken me the majority of my adult life to learn them, so I guess that’s quite important! As an electric wheelchair user, my sex life – and I suppose my life in general – has been quite a journey, and I’ve made quite a few mistakes along the way. I always say that if you can learn from a mistake, then at least it was worth making.
Disabled sex tip #1: Don’t rush into it
The first bit of advice that I’d give is something that I completely failed to do myself. As soon as I knew what sex was, I was desperate to have it.
In my head, as the disabled girl who was often perceived as juvenile, this was the perfect way to get my peers to respect me and notice me as a sexual being. For some reason I thought that if people didn’t know that I was able to have sex and relationships, then they would always underestimate me or never get to know me. The ironic thing is that in rushing to have sex, I was putting myself out there WAY too much, and looking for respect from people that definitely, definitely didn’t deserve any of mine (in most cases).
So for those of you who might be reading this thinking about your first time, or for those of you who (also like me) might be looking to get into it the first time you meet someone to get it out of the way and prove a point, just don’t.
However, if you meet someone and you are super attracted to them and want to have sex on the first date, then more power to you (and those are the times that I definitely DON’T regret) – just be sure why it is that you’re doing it.
Disabled sex tip #2: Stop comparing yourself to other women
A HUGEEEEE mistake of mine in the early days was comparing myself to other women, and also trying to one-up them. I always felt so underestimated by other girls, having come up against comments like, “Well, why her and not me? She can’t even walk!” and, “Sorry, I don’t have sex with retards”. All of this was before I was even out of my teens. So I felt like I had a huge point to prove, and I didn’t discriminate. It led to me sleeping with other people’s partners, cheating on partners, and just being an all-round bitch. Worrying about how other people perceive you is the worst thing you can do.
Disabled sex tip #3: Don’t worry about what you can’t do
Being an electric wheelchair user, I’m not super mobile, especially when thrown onto a bed. I can pretty much lie there and roll over and that’s it, unless I’m physically forced into certain positions (which can sometimes be quite hot, though!).
If you want to do something in the sack, just ask, and if the other person is willing to stick you on top and deal with your boobs in their face and your awkward facial expressions while you attempt to grind on them, then you’ve found a keeper.
But seriously, it’s SO much better if you just stay out of your own head during sex. The other person is more than likely just looking at you thinking, “you are awesome”. So try and remember that.
Disabled sex tip #4: Communicate!
The best thing about my sexual awakening being during the time of the internet is that chat rooms were my best friend. Everyone was telling me what they wanted to do to me, in massive detail, as it was the time before camera phones! This taught me so much about what I wanted, and it also encouraged me to use my words when having sex.
I think especially when you can’t move around much, it definitely helps to be able to communicate what you want, and how! I also find talking through sex extremely hot. It’s like you are connecting on more than one level. I also think it shows confidence, which to me is massively sexy.
Disabled sex tip #5: Feel yourself!
I mean this in more ways than one. Firstly, I think the more confident within yourself you are, the more you enjoy sex. I always try and think of at least one thing that I like about myself, or find attractive about myself every day. I find that picturing how your partner views you or finds you attractive is so helpful, especially on the down days when you may be questioning that.
Secondly, it’s hugely important to find out what you like on your own! Toys are a great way to explore what you like and to appreciate yourself sexually – the Rocks Off Everygirl is my current fave, and Hot Octopuss sells an unusual oscillating wand stimulator called the Queen Bee, which I’m looking forward to trying and reviewing soon. For me self-pleasure is something that’s so important. Try that coupled with self confidence and you can’t go wrong.
Kelly Perks-Bevington is a 30-year-old business owner and writer from the West Midlands. She runs numerous businesses in the sports industry as well as providing disabled individuals with advice around care needs. Kelly is a passionate entrepreneur and mother to a one-year-old. She is also an advocate for disability rights! You can hear more about her on her website and follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
Want all the news plus exclusive discount codes and offers? Sign up here.