Dirty talk can be a fun way to amp up the excitement in your relationship, in and out of the bedroom. But it can also be hard to know where to start. It can be even more challenging if you’re a little nerdy or socially awkward and have trouble expressing yourself. I wrote this guide to help you overcome your awkwardness and learn how to talk dirty with the best of them.
Why is it so hard to talk dirty?
Why do so many of us find it hard to let our naughtiest thoughts escape our lips? One reason is that we’ve been told that our sexy ideas are “dirty” and “naughty”! It takes time to accept that sexual desire is just another part of our being.
For those of us who are socially awkward, we also cloak our sincere desires in sarcasm and humor. Afraid of being mocked or judged, we avoid being vulnerable. We joke, instead of asking for what we want or expressing how much pleasure we’re feeling.
So how do you push past the shame and humor and let your lover know what you really, really want?
Like everything, it starts with communication.
Before you figure out how to talk dirty, you need to figure out what both you and your partner would enjoy hearing and saying in the bedroom. Choose a nice time to have a conversation, and bring up the idea of adding this new dimension to your sex life. Note: if you’re here because your partner already brought up dirty talk, don’t worry! These tips will help you, too.
Take a few minutes to establish what’s hot and what’s not! One important thing to consider is anatomical terms. Do you or your partner prefer more clinical phrasing (penis, vulva), or slang (dick, pussy)? Is anything too vulgar? Does anything send one of you into a fit of giggles?
Another very important thing to discuss is potentially demeaning language. Some people love to be called a slut or whore in bed. Others find it offensive. Some like to be called “boy” or “girl”. Others find it infantilizing.
Dirty talk is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. Make sure you won’t accidentally kill the mood!
Find your inspiration.
If you or your partner aren’t quite sure what you want to say or hear in the bedroom, it’s time for some sexy, sexy research!
Look, I told you this article was for nerds.
What do you find sexy? What does your partner find sexy? Romance novels, erotic fiction, and porn can all give you ideas, but so can primetime television. Study Gomez and Morticia Addams. Revisit your favorite “will they or won’t they” pairings and their sexually charged banter.
With explicit songs like “WAP” and “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” tearing up the charts, you can look to music for inspiration, too. Go ahead. Ask your partner to back their big truck up into your tiny garage.
Draw on Your Acting or Role Playing Experience
If you’re nerdy, you might have either been a drama kid or part of a D&D group. No, I’m not going to tell you to prepare a monologue or a character sheet. But if you’re having trouble overcoming your natural awkwardness, it might help to get into character. Imagine yourself as a more confident, more smooth-talking version of yourself.
Channel that inner femme fatale or playboy. Draw on the same confidence you use when describing your paladin’s battle plan.
In short, fake it til you make it. Pretend to be comfortable talking dirty until you actually are.
I swear this works. Literally, swear. Because I was the sort of person who never said “fuck” until I started playing a foul-mouthed avatar of a warrior goddess. Now I have to censor myself around my friends’ children.
Ease into it.
You don’t have to go from zero to sixty right out of the gate! Once you and your partner have decided to start talking dirty, start simple. In a moment when you’d normally moan or say “Yes”, elaborate. Try something as simple as “I love your fingers right there” or “Don’t stop what you’re doing.” Get used to saying what you’re enjoying, and asking for more.
You’ll probably find that once you’ve started, it’s easier to continue. You’ve already pushed through that initial awkwardness. In fact, chances are, your partner will respond enthusiastically and you’ll feel inspired to say something else!
Ready to take it to the next level? Move on to teasing dialog. Consider wielding your favorite toy — the DiGiT finger vibrator is a fun choice — and asking your partner if they’re ready for you to make them cum. Trail it down their body and make them tell you where (and when) they want it. Hot!
Optional Step: Critique
In art, critique is an important tool for improving our creations. You can use critiques in your sex life, too! If you and your partner are starting to develop easy and open communication about sex, consider workshopping your dirty talk.
I can’t even believe how nerdy I’m getting in this article, but here we are.
This might not be the best “cuddling in the afterglow” activity. Instead, wait for the next time you’re discussing something related to sex or your relationship. Ask your partner how they’ve been enjoying your sexy talk, or offer your own feedback. Although in art, you want a fair amount of constructive criticism, in your sex life, focus on the positive.
Some sample ideas:
“It made me so hard when you asked me to pound you faster last night.”
“When you lost your words while I was blowing you, I almost came.”
Notice how you can make your critique session into a bit of flirtation and foreplay? You don’t have to save the dirty talk for the bedroom!
Go forth, my nerdy and socially awkward readers. I know you have dirty depths just waiting to be expressed, and you’re gonna do great.