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How To BDSM – Beginner’s Guide


How To BDSM – Shakira Scott aka Scotty Unfamous shares her tips for exploring your wild side so you can live your best kinky heaux life


I’ll never forget the first time someone slapped me on the ass while getting all up in these guts. Yes, that is how I’m starting this post and you will deal!

It’s me again, Scotty Unfamous, back like Backstreet (am I showing my age? Yes? Do I care? A little bit, but not really). Welcome to my beginners’ guide to BDSM. This will be a fun one, because BDSM is my gig! YASSS, C’MON KINKY KWEEN!

Let’s start with the basics; what is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline/Domination Submission/Sadism Masochism.

  • Bondage: The act of tying up, restraining, or binding your partner.
  • Discipline: The Dom/Domme (Dominant) sets rules for their sub (submissive) to follow. If the sub breaks the rules, they may be punished for it.
  • Domination: The act of authority over a submissive person in BDSM relationship.
  • Submission: The act of submitting to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship.
  • Sadism: Sexual arousal brought on by causing pain/humiliation to someone else.
  • Masochism: Sexual arousal brought on by someone’s own pain/humiliation.

Now, back to the first time I got my ass slapped: it was magical. It hurt, but it didn’t, but it did. There was something about the provocative blend of pleasure and pain that I was drawn to.

But discovering that I enjoyed BDSM made me think that I was weird, and I was scared to explore it fully for a long time because I wasn’t sure how to approach it. Did normal people do this, what would they think of me… and furthermore, how do you even establish a BDSM relationship?

How I learned how to BDSM

One day I plucked up the courage to ask one of my luvahs (a fancy way to say ‘fuck buddy’) to slap me in the face while we were having sex – please stop me if I’m oversharing. Anyway, he did it. I said, “Harder!”. He did it again and my head snapped to the side like I had whiplash.

“Oh shit!” he panicked… but stopped when I looked back at him and grinned like the proud masochist that I am. That was one of the moments that affirmed that I was dead set on this highway to hell (or heaven, depending on which way you look at) and there was no turning back.

These days my current partner and I explore BDSM both in and out of the bedroom… and by out of the bedroom I mean we attend fetish parties because we are living our best kinky heaux lives. If you too would like to live your best kinky heaux life, but don’t know where to start, this is the guide for you!

How to explore BDSM safely

COMMUNICATION IS KEY! This is the hill I will die on because when it comes to having a happy, healthy sex life, discussing it with your partner(s) is vital. Not only so you can figure out what your partner(s) likes and vice versa, but so you know what you both/all consent to. Great tools to use when exploring BDSM are safe words and/or the traffic light system.

Your safe word is a word that you and your partner(s) agree will automatically stop a scene (by ‘scene’ I just mean a kinky interaction). It is best that the word isn’t something like ‘no’ or ‘stop’ because that can be considered part of play. My safe word is ‘rainbows’ (very on brand).

Alternatively, you can employ the traffic light system. ‘Red’ means stop, ‘yellow’/’amber’ means you need to pause a scene (maybe you need a minute to regroup… maybe you need to pee, the possibilities are endless), and ‘green’ is for all systems go. Simples!

How to set up Dom/me and sub roles

Establish what roles you and your partner(s) like to play in the bedroom. Do you like being in control (Dom/me), do you like to be controlled (sub), or do you like a bit of both (this is called a switch)? It is important that you discuss this beforehand. You don’t wanna get in the bedroom and discover that you are both/all dominant, because that just won’t work. Now we’re all standing around with paddles and cuffs in our hands, with no butts to paddle and no hands to cuff, and it’s awkward.

How to negotiate your scene and ensure consent

Communication and consent are top priorities in the BDSM community. You are dealing with such intense and sometimes risky acts, that in order for it to be safe and enjoyable for all, it is imperative that you speak up and that you are also attentive to your partner’s needs.

Negotiating your scene can be done, first of all, by establishing your roles (Dom/me/sub/switch), specifying how you like to be referred to (e.g Mistress, master… or as my Mr has requested before, ‘My Lord’ – I am rolling my eyes as I type), the types of ‘play’ (sexual activities such as bondage, flogging, penetrative sex etc) that you wish to explore, any health concerns that your partner(s) need to be aware of and laying out your limits.

There are soft limits, which are things that you are open to giving a try but need to go gently with, and hard limits, which are an absolute no-go for you. You all need to be respectful of each other’s limits. Anyone who does not respect limits is not safe to play with. Also, if you require aftercare, which can be in the form of being held, having your sore bits soothed, being checked in on the next day… whatever you need once it’s all over, say so.

How to safely flog someone

I love floggers, they are one of my fave toys to use because they have the sting of a whip but are much less scary because the multiple tails disperse the sensations across your skin, making them less intense. Please note this does not mean that they don’t hurt – they just hurt less. The level of the sting they give also depends on the material they are made of – this can be suede, leather, vegan leather, silicone or even metal chains if you’re up for it. The amount of the tail that makes contact with the skin affects the sharpness of the sting. If the tips of the tails are used then it has more bite, as opposed to if the body of the tail is used, as it dulls the sharpness of the sensation a bit.

When flogging someone:

  • Check what areas they are comfortable with you striking as well as what areas you feel you are experienced enough to strike.
  • For a beginner it’s a good idea to focus on the butt and the upper back either side of the spine (avoid the spine itself). For safety reasons you should *never* hit someone above the shoulders or in the area between the ribs and pelvis because the organs in these areas can easily be injured. Also avoid joints.
  • While floggers are usually safe, it’s important to be aware that it is possible to injure someone in a way that you don’t mean to during flogging. So if you’re not very experienced, read up on technique, watch demonstrations and do everything you can to minimise the risks.
  • Start slow and gentle and build up.
  • Alternate the pace, power, and areas of the strikes.
  • Employ safe words when necessary.
  • Caress your partner in between strikes to soothe the area.

I hope this blog post gave you the tools you need to start exploring your kinky side. If you have any more questions, feel free to hit me up on my website or on my socials.

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Shakira ScottShakira ‘Scotty Unfamous’ Scott is an inappropriately fancy, London-based sexual wellness content creator, multi award-winning erotic romance author, co-founder of the sexual happiness experts MSSS and #DumpHim queen!

She started her blog to help women of colour explore and remove the stigma around their sexuality, educate them in the art of sensuality and promote and inspire self-love and body confidence. You can also find her on Twitter and Instagram.

 

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