Women Have Dirty Minds

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Well scientists say they do.  How do blokes keep up?  In 1973 journalist Nancy Friday published My Secret Garden, a collection of women’s sexual fantasies. At the time it was absolutely shocking. This was because back then, believe it or not, a lot of people didn’t think women fantasised about sex at all. This book certainly blew that myth right out of the water.

Now, 40 years after My Secret Garden, British sexpert Emily Dubberley is collecting a new set of women’s fantasies for a book, Garden of Desires, to be released later this year. She’s aiming to find out how present-day female fantasies compare to those of women back in the early 70s. She says that these days, “women aren’t just admitting to having fantasies, they’re also writing them down, and some are even becoming millionaires as a result” (50 Shades of Grey started off as internet fan fiction). She wants to know: “have women’s fantasies changed or are we eroticising the same things as our mothers and grandmothers?”.

The original call for fantasies came out a few weeks ago, and Emily has already had over 200 come in from the UK and abroad. She’s now working her way through them (it’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it).

We asked Emily if she has any advice for the average guy trying to navigate his way through all this female eroticism. A sex toy like PULSE, which is designed to be hands-free for couples’ foreplay, is one way of keeping things exciting. But should he also be researching in the erotica section of bookshops before dates?

Emily tells us: “It’s important to remember fantasy and reality are not the same thing. Just because your partner finds it exciting when you talk dirty about group sex, it doesn’t mean she wants to live it out.

“Similarly, just because someone has submissive or dominant desires in the bedroom, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily want this role outside the bedroom: indeed, some psychoanalysts believe our fantasies help us resolve issues we have outside the bedroom.

“For example, Zoltan Dienes (University of Sussex) found submissive fantasies correlate with women who feel guilty about being sexual *and* being too controlling; while dominant fantasies correlated with women who felt out of control in their day to day life.

“That said, fantasy play can help you learn about your lover’s desires – try reading erotica together and sharing which stories turned each of you on. Be clear about where your own borders between fantasy and reality lie and encourage your partner to do the same.”

Hope that helps, guys! And if all this focus on female fantasies is too much for you, take heart: Emily hopes to work on a new book after this one – about men’s fantasies this time.

In the meantime, you could try suggesting your partner fills out Emily’s survey. Could be a good icebreaker?


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Posted on Jan 21st, 2013 Uncategorized

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