Getting into Kink – Who is kink for?

Author Jam (they/them) argues that kink can be a rewarding lifestyle choice for almost anyone. Erectile dysfunction, mobility issues, and penetration aversion don’t have to get in the way of a good time.


Kink is for almost everyone.

Most combinations of straight, queer, old, fat, disabled, and asexual will find something that works for them within the realm of kink. This is because the mindset and lifestyle of all-that-is-not-vanilla fills in every gap that’s been left unaddressed by the overculture. Think that a hard phallus in a tight crevice is the be-all end-all of pleasure? Think again.

Erectile Dysfunction (or as we like to say, “Penile Creative Expression”)

“My dick doesn’t get hard.”
“That’s okay!  I know a million other ways to get each other’s rocks off.”

Wouldn’t that be a lovely way for this conversation to go?

Usually the topic of erectile dysfunction is a dreaded one. It can lead to lowered self-esteem, a decrease in intimacy, and an expensive emotional roller coaster of treatments. When people’s only form of sex is the Tab A in Slot B variety, the effects of ED can be a game ender. In the minds of vanilla folks, their possibility of having fulfilling sex has gone completely out the window.

For kink enthusiasts however, ED means that only one of hundreds (if not thousands!) of ways of having sex has been taken off the board. So what? Getting into kink will show you countless other options for exploring intimacy and pleasure.

You’ve got options!


  • Oral sex can still feel great, with or without an erection
  • Orgasm via prostate massage
  • Using a guybrator such as PULSE DUO. This high-end toy hugs the phallus with the rumbly sensations of medical grade PulsePlate technology™, providing a treasure trove of sensory potential. Hands free orgasm, anyone?

Mobility issues due to age, size, disability

For many people, mobility issues impact their sex life. Whether due to size, age, or medical conditions, limitations on movement can provide fuel for creativity when it comes to sex. BDSM offers an infinitude of alternatives! What’s even better news is that these alternatives are often found to be more satisfying than the previously sought-after gymnastics of penetration.

Non penetration allows for intimacy of increased frequency

If penetration isn’t compulsory, you will get laid more. What?! This is a big mindfuck for most straight folks, but my fellow queers are probably familiar with said ethos.

All too often couples fall into prescribed roles, where i.e. Sally is always the bottom (the fuckee) and Bob is always the top (the fucker.) There are days when Sally would love to have sex if that didn’t have to mean being penetrated. Oftentimes the lines of communication break down before the couple can even have this conversation, as Sally avoids the topic and Bob feels helpless.

When partners are first getting into kink, they’re often pleasantly surprised at how much more connected they feel with each other. Power exchange, bondage, and impact play are all examples of ways that folks can decompress from their day and connect with one another. Penetration is never a requirement. Manual stimulation, oral sex, and toys can all be worked into kink scenes to bring your partner over the edge . . . in a good way.

Homework (I promise you’ll like it.)

Write down your responses in a journal, or use the following prompts to start a conversation with friends:

  1. How do you define intimacy?
  2. Describe what it’s like to feel fulfilled on an emotional or romantic level.
  3. How important is sex to you?
  4. Does sex need to involve penetration?
  5. How much do you enjoy getting your partner(s) off?
  6. Is there a spiritual aspect to physical intimacy for you?
  7. Would you like to experience more intense and fulfilling sensual, emotional, and potentially sexual connection with yourself and your partner(s)?

Sometimes folks knew since they were little that there was a specific thing they always wanted to try. It may be tying boys up to the jungle gym or playing doctor or secretary. It could be pretending to be a naughty puppy or a caring mommy.

Other times we don’t know that we’re into something until we see it acted out at a play party or (especially in the times of COVID19) in porn. Let your imagination run wild! The first step in kink exploration is to commit to not judging yourself. Brainstorm, daydream, indulge your wildest fantasies! We do not shame here.

Make a list!  Do your Twitter research. Get on FetLife and ask questions. This is just the tip of a very big iceberg.

The takeaway here is that kink isn’t just for rich dudes and skinny chicks with expensive costumes. Kink is for everyone. The lifestyle offers compassionate, playful, and badass options for folks who need an alternative to able bodied, erection centric sex. Open your mind to the possibilities of a consent, communication, and sensory intelligent world, and the options for pleasure are endless.

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