Question:
I'm female and in my 20s, and I have trouble orgasming because I can't focus on the physical sensations and get stuck in my head—one partner said I was thinking too much and to just focus on the feeling, but I don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice?
A: I completely get it; “just stop thinking and focus on the feeling” can be frustrating advice when no one has actually taught you how to do that.
One thing I’d suggest is taking orgasm off the table for a while. Sounds counterproductive, but trust the process. Because when we practice focusing on sensation over outcome, it does wonders for the body.
Now for a technique...
During solo or partnered touch, choose one physical sensation or touch point in your body and focus on it: Is it warm or cool? Soft or firm? Tingly, pleasurable, neutral?
When you notice your mind wandering into thoughts like “Am I going to orgasm?” “Why isn’t this working?” or “Am I taking too long?”, you don’t need to fight those thoughts; just bring your mind back to that one location or switch the location on your body.
Think of it as practicing a skill rather than something you should automatically know how to do.
And remember, orgasm usually happens when we can explore what arousal feels like in the body, what sensations and touch feel good, rather than when we’re monitoring whats happening.
Taking away the pressure to climax can sometimes create much more space for pleasure to build.
April Maria (Sex Educator & Intimacy Coach)
