The EDGE Blog

Sex With ED After Prostate Surgery

After a 37-year relationship that was full of abuse and violence, I have an amazing new partner who is gentle and caring. He had his prostate removed due to cancer and no longer has erections. He believes he has nothing to offer me due to his ED after prostate surgery. I feel he is scared and vulnerable.

How can I help him regain his confidence? How can I pleasure him in his current state? I had never been allowed to be adventurous or take the lead in my previous relationship, so I am new at this. He knows how to arouse me and make me orgasm with his fingers, but that’s as far as he will go. How do I broach the subject of exploration with toys and tongues, for instance? I would like to be able to help this gorgeous man who is enabling me to trust again.

“My gorgeous man has ED after prostate surgery. How can I help and pleasure him?”

Joan answers:

I’m happy that you’ve found a trusting relationship and you’re willing to take the initiative to make sex more empowering and satisfying for both of you. Like many men our age, your partner grew up thinking that sex revolved around the power of his erections. You know that’s not true for you — he gives you orgasms manually — but he may not realize that he is capable of joyful stimulation and satisfying orgasms without an erection or ejaculation. It will help you both to watch my webinar, Great Sex Without Penetration, which will help him normalize sex without an erection and give both of you ideas about what to do and how to talk about it.

Tell him, “My sexual satisfaction doesn’t depend on whether you have an erection, as you know from my response to your fingers. Can we discover other ways we can pleasure each other? I’d enjoy giving you oral sex, and I’d like you to do that for me, too. It would be fun to explore how to give each other pleasure with vibrators, too.” The Hot Octopuss PULSE SOLO LUX would be an extraordinary gift to show him the sensation and pleasure he can still enjoy, no erection required.

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