While not getting as much attention as premature ejaculation, the opposite, delayed ejaculation, can be just as challenging as coming too fast.
Delayed ejaculation: needing 30 minutes or longer to come
The why behind this condition includes but is not limited to health conditions, stress, medications, diet, and psychological difficulties. No matter the cause, if left untreated or unaddressed, it can lead to sexual anxiety (with or without a partner) and depression.
Possible solutions to all of these lie in opening up about your symptoms to your doctor. For some, diet can be a simpler issue to address. Start by looking at what you eat and how much of it and take some steps toward maintaining an appropriate exercise regimen.
“No matter the cause, if left untreated or unaddressed, it can lead to sexual anxiety and depression.”
When it comes to psychological difficulties, it’s best to approach a therapist with Delayed Ejaculation experience. Worth checking out is Healthline’s excellent resource for possible causes and remedies.
Another possible cause can arise from masturbating in a limited number of ways. This is a problem if it makes it difficult for you to orgasm any other way. Additionally, some may get too used to excessively gripping their penis, which lends it the way-too dramatic label of . . .
. . . Death Grip Syndrome
If this is something you’re experiencing, the good news is that, after checking-in with your physician or visiting a qualified therapist, there are many well-received remedies to Delayed Ejaculation you can try at home.
First, shake things up masturbation-wise.
Variety is the Spice of (sex) Life.
This one is pretty evident. But just in case, let’s follow the logic trail: your body, and your mind tagging right along with it, has gotten way too used to a specific set of sexual stimulations. As a result, anything else doesn’t feel right. In short, you’ve become habituated to it. Now coming any other way is challenging, if not impossible.
So what you need to do is (ta-da) break this pattern. How you do this is up to you, but could involve changing where and how you masturbate, like sitting in a chair instead of lying face up or face down on a bed.
It’s worth noting there’s evidence being horizontal limits blood flow, making it extra difficult to orgasm.
Switching hands can also be beneficial as can wearing a condom or glove. Keep expanding what turns you on and how. Integrating a suitable sex toy into your self-playtime can also be a tremendous help.
The Right Toy for the Right Job
In regards to delayed ejaculation, I recommend toys that deliver a range of vibrations and sensations while still having access to your penis. This way, the toy will ease you away from your old-standby masturbation techniques rather than forcing you into unfamiliar territory.
Specifically, PULSE penis-wrap-around toys are ideal since they provide physical contact with, as Woody Allen put it, that “second favorite organ” while adding a range of unique sensations.
This contact is excellent as you can do the previous other re-sensitizing activities — gloves, non-dominant hand, different positions, etc. — while using it.
For similar reasons, I suggest JETT, a vibrating cock ring that has two motors. Its remote allows users to customize the treble and bass motors to their preferred frequency of vibration. For instance, you could start by using the toy without either motor going, as a kind of cock ring. Then turn on one motor. Over time, turn on the other.
Individually adjust the rumbling of the motors to explore a new range of erotic sensations.
Not to dismiss the Jett’s potential effectiveness, I should mention that for those aiming to increase sensitivity, ligature-type toys like cock rings may not be the best choice since they can have a numbing effect. Though how much depends on the person, and the penis, so the Jett is still recommended.
If you’re on the Death Grip side of delayed ejaculation, I agree with Dan Savage that your goal should be to reduce the amount of pressure you’re putting on your penis until you don’t need this aforementioned tightness to orgasm.
A great way to begin is to take things slowly, backed up again with a change in position. As with physical exercise, don’t try to do things too fast, resulting in frustration and sliding back into old habits. Rather use steadily increasing changes. Condoms and gloves again might help, as can using another hand over your preferred.
“Your desire to come will be more than enough to tip you over the edge.”
If you’re feeling frustrated at these new techniques, instead of falling back to old habits, stop what you’re doing and metaphorically walk away.
I know this sounds tough, and it no doubt will be. Still, by denying yourself an orgasm, you’ll become more and more generally aroused. When you go back to an otherwise atypical stimulation, your desire to come will be more than enough to tip you over the edge. This will help establish this new way to orgasm.
Using your mind as well as your body
No matter how you physically approach Delayed Ejaculation, it’s critical you back it up with as much of a positive attitude as you can. Remind yourself that retraining your sexual responses takes time and practice.
If you stick with it, you’ll expand when you come and from what sensations.
It won’t be easy. Performance remains one of the biggest emotional triggers with human sexuality. Too many AMAB folks falsely believe that erections must be immediate and long-lasting. On top of that, they must come neither too fast nor too late.
Men are taught that if they don’t have 100% fulfillment of these impossible expectations, they’re a failure to themselves and their partners.
But here’s the reality: there never has, or never will be, a perfect lover.
Everyone has physical, emotional, and/or sexual challenges to deal with. It’s what makes us all wonderfully human.
One of my favourite quotes is from the legendary Bob Fosse, and though he was referring to dancing, is perfectly applicable here.
“I can’t make you a great dancer; I don’t even know if I can make you a good dancer. But if you keep trying, I know I can make you a better dancer.”
So if you have issues with Delayed Ejaculation, or simply want to expand your sexual self, then have that goal in mind: challenge yourself, enjoy yourself, grow and evolve by striving to be a better person, and then a better lover—for yourself above all else.