Sexual desire can be complicated and often confusing to understand. It can seem to appear at a moment’s notice. Or like it’s always been a part of your life.
And at these times, what and who we find arousing may feel overwhelming. Similarly, so subtle as to be hardly noticeable.
To try and provide some comfort, I’m going to share some thoughts on processing and exploring your desires. Particularly, when they involve, to some degree or another, attraction to people of more than one gender identity.
Welcome to the world of bisexuality—or when you’re merely taking your first steps as bi-curious.
First, let’s deal with the topic of labels…
A Passion for Language
Depending on who you ask, one of the most significant changes to the sexual landscape in recent years is the right to self-definition. In short, you and only you have the final say in what and who you are.
I’m bringing this up because you don’t have to call yourself anything regarding your sexual orientation. So feel free to use words like bisexual or bi-curious only if you’re comfortable using them. And if you’re just curious about investigating these desires … well, the common term is bi-curious.
But, as with using bisexuality it’s up to the person who’s interested if that term works for them or not.
Bisexual and Questioning Tip #1: It’s not all or nothing.
Here’s a bad joke.
Question: what do bisexuals call their dates?
Laugh if you want to, but this highlights a common misconception about bisexuality: that it means attracted to every male and female-identified person who crosses your path.
The reality is like every other orientation, a person’s bisexual desires are on a spectrum. So it could be 50/50 split between female and male-indenfied people. Or attraction to a single gender, and then maybe once in a lifetime being attracted to somebody of a different gender.
So please resist the urge to doubt your “qualifications” for considering yourself bi. (And, equally, for what kind sex you enjoy!) It’s all up to you.
Bisexual and Questioning Tip #2: Biases sadly remain.
With many joining the fight against intolerance, you’d think bisexuality would be gaining greater acceptance. Sadly, it remains an ongoing battle. The gay community sometimes sees it as appropriating their orientation. And on the straight side, bisexuals are targeted by homophobes.
Fortunately, the bi community is growing stronger every day, including standing up for their right to desire whoever they want. Still, it’s essential to understand there’s a long way to go before people finally accept this.
Bisexual and Questioning Tip #3: You’re not alone.
And speaking of community, for our third tip, I suggest checking out two excellent organizations. AmBi is a community organization to support bisexual individuals. Its worldwide chapters provide safe spaces for anyone into or are curious about it.
And if you’re somewhere without a chapter, an excellent way to get yourself out there as bi is to start one of your own!
If you have questions or are looking for educational resources, look no further than bi.org. This acclaimed organization is the one-stop-place for practically everything and anything to do with bisexuality. Including informative articles and numerous ways to connect to others like yourself!
Bisexual and Questioning Tip #4: Take charge of your sexuality.
How you begin your bisexuality journey is up to you. Though remember it may be best to take things slowly. A great way to do this is to forego throwing yourself into exploration with another person.
No insult to partner sex, but masturbation can be fantastic for this. Pleasing yourself however you like, using whatever fantasies get you going. All without worrying about possibly upsetting someone else, can be very liberating.
It can also help give you a better view of what you may like and who you may like it with. The amount you spend on this or that fantasy can additionally provide hints to where you might lie on the gender-attraction spectrum.
The right sex toy can often make masturbation more enjoyable. So feel free to indulge in some sex toy shopping. Especially by choosing ones that play to your bisexual desires.
PULSE SOLO Lux is a mind-blowing tool for breaking out of a ho-hum masturbation routine. Its unique design can elicit orgasms with no erections or stroking required! This toy is waterproof, rechargeable, and an ingenious way of spicing up your solo sex practice.
For folks who want to receive penetration, KURVE is a G-spot vibrator unlike any other. It boasts TWO independently controlled motors and its impossibly squishy tip is designed to completely envelop the G-spot with waves of rumbly bliss.
Bisexual and Questioning Tip #6: Create a safe space.
Coming out to a partner or the world at large can be highly stressful. Before you so do, I recommend building a safe environment for yourself.
I touched on how bi-phobia sadly remains prevalent. But receiving abuse at the hands of a stranger is one thing. Experiencing it from a partner or family member is quite another.
And extra-stressful is you often can’t tell what someone’s reaction will be. They might even be overly excited by the idea. Possibly trying to co-op your sexuality for their own: seeing your desires as a way to live out their multi-partner fantasies. But without respecting you as a living, breathing person.
Communication is always key to a good relationship.
If yours is good, then by all means, share whatever you’re comfortable with. Though if you have any concerns, you probably should do couple’s therapy before you do. Afterward, you could share your bisexual feelings when you feel safe there’ll be no negative repercussions.
You are who you are.
Bisexuality or questioning can be confusing. But accepting that exploring your gender attractions is a process can make things easier.
The same is true for understanding who you are. That there’s no gatekeeper or rulebook holding the power to say otherwise. If anyone does, remember they’re speaking from biases and bigotry. And instead, forge your own path.
Like every orientation, bisexuality is about desire, love, and the pursuit of happiness.
And as long as it’s consensual, whatever you do it is up to you and whoever you play with.
No matter what gender you or they happen to be.