One of the benefits of being a prolific sex blogger and erotic memoirist a decade ago was trying out the sex toys I was regularly sent by toy companies. Now that I don’t do so much writing, the gifts have stopped, but I still have quite an arsenal of equipment to add spice to my bedroom activities.
Being an older woman, it takes me longer to get aroused, which is where sex toys and lubricants come in handy. I had a boyfriend once who didn’t enjoy me bringing them into the bedroom; he felt he should have been ‘man enough’ to satisfy me. As I told him, sex toys enhance pleasure with a partner; they don’t replace it.
If you’ve never used a sex toy, I’d recommend starting with something simple. My favourite and most well-used toy is a Pocket Rocket that vibrates at a single speed that suits my body. It takes one battery and feels great on my clitoris, either when I’m masturbating or having sex on all fours. It’s unobtrusive and relatively quiet compared to some of the bigger toys on the market.
If you like penetration during masturbation, then there are plenty of nice, medical-grade silicone toys that will stimulate the clitoris and can be inserted in the vagina at the same time, such as the We-Vibe Nova. There are also less expensive but similar products like the VeDo Rockie.
I’ve never been a fan of the massive Rabbit vibes that got a reputation from an episode of Sex and the City where Samantha shares her enjoyment of them with her friends. With all their different speeds, whirring and vibrating parts, they’re just overkill, especially if you’ve never used a sex toy before.
However, medical-grade silicone vibrators get my vote every time as being the safest, smoothest and sexiest toys available. I don’t want to insert something inside me that might shred or tear, which is possible with some of the less expensive, spongier materials some cheaper toys are made of.
Lube has become essential to my sex life. As we age, the wall of the vagina gets thinner and, for lots of women, that can lead to sex being painful or just more uncomfortable than when they were younger – lube decreases friction. I like a lube called Liquid Silk. It’s water-based and I keep it on hand for when I need a moisture boost. The brand Yes also makes some lovely, natural lubricants that are particularly kind to the skin and, as a result, highly suitable for older women.
Use lube on penetrative sex toys to make insertion easier when alone. Men can use it to enhance solo sex, especially if they enjoy frictionless and slippery wanking. There’s no shame in needing a little extra help, and I keep a bottle of it on my bedside table.
For older men, cock rings can be great fun, as they trap the blood in the penis and help maintain an erection. There is a wide range of cock rings available, from the very cheap and simple adjustable strap type, to premium vibrating couples’ toys. Some men find the vibrating rings distracting, but they can enhance female pleasure, especially if the woman is on top.
The Hot Octopuss ATOM is ergonomically shaped with two powerful motors to provide intense clitoral stimulation as well as vibes on the shaft of the penis. Some reviewers have reported simultaneous orgasms with this toy – got to be worth a try.
Recently I’ve also discovered male masturbation toys and how much fun they can be when shared with a partner, especially as part of foreplay. The best part about them is that they can be used on a flaccid penis with great results. PULSE SOLO ESSENTIAL, for example, uses medically-based technology that oscillates rather than vibrates, for deep and rumbly sensations that may bring about orgasm even in someone who can’t achieve erection. The DUO version for couples allows for close ‘missionary’-type sex even where the partner is not hard.
One thing is for certain, there’s no shortage of toys on the market to try and one is never too old to use them. Not only do they create new experiences, they can enhance sexual pleasure in ways that would not have been possible during our youth. Communication is the key.
Talking about sex is not easy, especially if you’ve been brought up to believe that it’s wrong. I know I spent most of my twenties really not having a clue what I was doing and it took me turning forty to explore many of my fantasies. That led me to understanding just how much more fun life can be when sex becomes about mutual pleasure and not all about a man’s orgasm. Simply saying, ‘That feels good’ is one way to start.
If you have any questions about sex toys or sex over 50, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org as I’m keen to help you to discover just how great older sex can be!
Suzanne Portnoy is the author of the bestseller, ‘The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker: An Erotic Memoir.’ Now 57, she can occasionally be found writing about sex and relationships for Advantagesofage.com.