This is a weight-loss-free zone. It’s also a guilt-free zone, and a pressure-free zone. While new year is often a great time to take stock of the past and look excitedly to the future, it can also often be a big pile of stress and worry, as people encourage you to make permanent changes to your body, your lifestyle, or even your job.
Instead we thought we’d have a go at writing some alternative new year’s resolutions. Things you might want to try, or experiment with, but which don’t require you to pick something you hate about your life and guilt yourself into changing it.
And because it’s us, most of them are sexy.
Bank your wank time
Instead of forcing yourself to tumble out of bed at 6 every morning to go for a run, then telling yourself off if you somehow drop the habit before the end of January, how about you put aside some time to do something physical that counts as reward, not punishment?
Set aside some time in your day (or week, or month) to spend on your own. Catch up on your favourite porn, pick up your favourite sex toy, and have a pressure and goal-free afternoon. Think of it like a date you’ve scheduled – with yourself. The beauty of this is that all you need to do is set the time aside – when your date rolls round you can do whatever you feel like. That might mean practising hands-free masturbation, or it might mean catching up on a box-set or having a long hot bath. Like we said above: no pressure.
Treat yo’ self
Parks and Recreation fans will understand the importance of treating yo’ self every once in a while – and putting treats on your new year’s resolutions list means that you’re not simply confronted with a challenging list of habit changes that make you want to weep rather than celebrate.
Budget a little bit of money each month (or each six months, or even just for the year) to buy something that’s just for you. It might be a sex toy like PULSE III SOLO, or it might be a takeaway from that place you really love, or a book by an author you can’t get enough of. The only criteria is that it has to be something that feels like a gift to you.
This one is an excellent antidote to all the ‘Lose 10 Pounds In One Month’ articles that are currently being sprayed across the internet. There are lots of different ways you might want to change your body, but if all you ever hear from the media is what’s wrong with you, it’s easy to forget that your body is pretty awesome, and can do some spectacular things.
So whatever your other resolutions, why not also resolve to give yourself at least one compliment each day (or each week, or month)? Congratulate yourself on a particularly excellent hair day. Write down some of the things you love about you. Take time to celebrate achieving something difficult at work or at home. Just, you know, give yourself some love.
Write a wish list
This one take a bit more effort, but is totally worth it. Some people make new year’s resolutions to read a book each week – but that can quickly spiral into a guilt-inducing nightmare if you have a busy month at work, or a crisis that means you just don’t have time to pick up something new.
Instead, why not write a list of things you want to try – books, films, music, theatre, gigs – which you can refer to whenever you do have the time. Naturally, because we’re obsessed with all the sexy things in life, our list would consist of great erotica authors, or porn performers, whose work we really love. You can combine this resolution with the first one – write a list of your sexy goals in January and dust it off whenever you’re in the mood to watch or read something hot.
New Year’s Resolutions you don’t have to stick to
The most important thing about our alternative new year’s resolutions is that they represent fun rather than just aspiration: the world is crowded right now with things you have to do, so we wanted to offer you a few things you might want to do, just for the hell of it. If you miss one of your goals, don’t be too harsh on yourself. After all, you have a whole year to get through.
Whatever it throws at you, we hope you have a good one, and that there are at least a few little moments in 2017 where you can relax and enjoy being your usual excellent self.